Broken Pieces

CHAPTER {17}

AKARI

I was panting heavily as I sat over the toilet. I had been vomiting for 30 minutes straight and it hurts. It hurts so much that tears pooled at my eyes from the amount of straining I was doing. I had gone two days without vomiting, I thought I was improving.

I hurled and more food came rushing out my throat and splashing into the toilet. It smelt so bad. I wiped my mouth with the back of my wrist and stood from the toilet. After flushing the toilet, I went towards the mirror and looked at myself.

All my life, I was what my mother wanted me to be. Or what she hoped I'd be. It was never a choice, she always had the last word. She controlled me, whatever she said was to come to pass or else I'd be punished. I was the puppet and she was the master. I wiped the tears that rolled down my face.

I unclothed myself and removed my boot and went into the shower. It was a routine that I gained when I turned thirteen, after my birthday, the day I was raped for the first time. It was a birthday present from my mother, as she'd always liked to call it. And every birthday after that, it was the same thing. Get raped, then get whipped according to the age I was turning that year, then the special package was to bathe in hot water for hours, again, according to the age I was turning.

I always liked to shower a lot because it made me feel slightly cleaner. Even though the minute I walked out, I would feel his hands all over me again. It always made me want to go right back into the shower. So I created a pattern, after making breakfast for my mother and getting my morning beating, I would shower, after lunch, I would shower, after dinner, I would shower. Sometimes when I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, I would shower.

Which is why I loved the rain, it cleansed me. More than a shower ever could. I would sit under the rain for hours on end, most of the time it was for punishment but mother never knew that I secretly loved it. When I was under the rain I felt free to the point that if a stranger was to ask me what was wrong, I'd tell them everything. I was vulnerable and I liked it.

I switched off the water and went out the shower, sighing as the lingering feeling of dirty hands returned on my body. I put on my robe and went out the bathroom not forgetting to carry my boot and placing my dirty clothes in the laundry basket. When I walked into my room, I didn't expect Neiva to be sitting on my bed. She looked at me for a second and went back to staring at her lap.

"Hey," she said still looking down at her lap. "Hi," I responded and took the time to put on a pad on my underwear and wore it without removing my robe and watched as Neiva fiddled with her thumbs.

"Um, I wanted to apologize for being mean to you. I don't want to use this as an excuse, but I have abandonment issues. And when you came, I knew everyone would now be focused on you and not me. So I thought the only way to avoid that was to be mean to you and I realized that that was wrong." She began glancing at me before looking back her fingers that were still fiddling around each other and it was beginning to irritate me.

"I wanted to be the only one that Alexandros loves and cares for. But you're his sister and I guess you should be his first priority and I'm sorry for trying to take that away from you." She says and I could see tears begin to brim in her eyes.

I slowly walked over to her as she let out a sob. I sit next to her and hold her hands to stop them from fiddling. She looks up at me, "I never came here with the intention to steal love and I don't seem to be getting any love. The love that my brother has for you will always be there and not even I can take that from you." I reassured her.

She suddenly clung onto me and sobbed into my chest. I tensed and continued to be tense until she let go of me. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding and watched as she wiped away her tears. "Sorry, pregnancy hormones." She said with a slight chuckle and sniffing afterwards.