Constellations

Solitude

"Leave it all behind, and there is happiness"

Happiness

Taylor Swift

Trisha

Life is good.

I've learned to hold the little things dearly to me. And with the subtle heat of summer, along with the fading of green leaves to scarlett, it really does support me to do so without burden.

Part of me has doubts, but I'm content with saying it; I deserve to say it. I've worked so tirelessly to reach the great person who I am today.

I want to believe that the work has paid off, and I do. Waking up every day to the gift I've had ever since I was a kid; etched carefully, recklessly, and whole-heartedly onto canvases scattered upon my room's walls.

But I know not to be full of myself. It's what limits me really, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for my manners, my need to always smile and nod and hold a door for someone who has no meaning to me, my empathy that has played significantly throughout life, my strength.

I also know of what I lack. For one, I lack friends. I'm not the stereotypical shy girl in fiction, but I don't greet every mutual I see either. It's something else that limits me; expression. How people let their emotions flow so easily will always be a mystery to me. I can't help but feel that it weighs people down; that, no matter how small, it will always burden them and, in some way, pushes them away.

However, all of it somewhat dissipates when it comes to my roommate, Darlene. Her nature is just as beautiful and sweet as her name and charming looks. The second I entered the room we'd share for the coming years, she made her way into my heart; fondness that I haven't felt in years overflowing from her. The second I see those auburn eyes and glossy, candied lips, accompanied with a style that is perfect for her brushed, umber hair, a smile can't help but creep onto my face as I approach her. Despite only living together for 13 months, I'm okay with saying that she's filled my heart; that she's patched up the cracks that were starting to seep deep into me.

Cracking, shattering, hurt. That's when I get to mention him.

He who illuminates tenderness that I know is counterfeit; only there to drag me into a temporary shelter. He who has sent endless arrows that I can't help but let dig deep into my skin; creating wounds too narrow for anyone on the surface to see. He who has tortured my heart every other day.

But he's the definition of desire; a dreamboat as this generation says.

Straight out of fictional writing, he plays football on a team at one of the most prestigious universities, is captain of said football team, and is, obviously, taken. Jade Emily as people call her; just like his eyes! Truly soulmates.

His bleach blonde hair, emerald eyes, and strong frame would blind you on the spot if it wasn't for the fact that he's a jerk; at least to me.

A jerk that texts me good morning every day. A jerk that texts me good night every night. A jerk who would drop me home in high school because my house is 'just beyond the way' as he says; despite it being 10km away. A jerk who I would always bake chocolate-chip cookies with when we went to visit my parents in Indonesia on break. A jerk who would hold me through hesitant tears and stumbling emotions. A jerk that has my heart.

He has my heart and it's stuck in a vault that only he knows the code to. However far he'll go by distance or however long I'll go without talking to him, he doesn't know it but he's still holding the cage and the keys to it.

In his harsh grasp, I let him hold my heart; I let him play with it. Molding me as if I'm a malleable metal, breaking pieces off as if I'm a statue that must fulfill his fantasies. And in the end, he'll never know he did it.

Because here I am, way over 10km further from his house, in Harvard University, following my dream of becoming an author by taking an art major: Fine Arts in Painting.

Somber washes over me as faint rays of sunlight do as well. It's well over 7am but I don't care, I'm usually late to lectures anyway and my ego accentuates all I've already learned anyway thats represented on the walls.

Art is something else that completes me. A media that doesn't let anyone become a burden; the only things affected are stationary I value and a canvas that holds all my lightest and heaviest thoughts. I'm reminded of this every day as all my feelings are spread across the hall to the bathroom me and Darlene share.

"G'morning Trisha." Speak of an angel.

"Morning." I murmur, still groggy. I notice Darlene is laying on the couch with a pink outfit on that's as sweet as cotton. Her usual coffee is already empty, left out on the table. I remind myself to hurry up and get ready to not hold her up any longer.

I swiftly complete my morning routine and pick out a duller tone for my body today. Black jeans which are too big for my liking and a graphic baby t-shirt that's quite the opposite, accompanied with a jet black leather jacket which I know will pair well with the heeled boots that are by the front door; with jewelry of course.

Before I complete my outfit though, I greet Darlene more properly on the couch. With another 'morning' and a head on her shoulder.

"Didn't your orientation class start about 5 minutes ago?" She reminds me, eyes still glued on the window in front of her; it displays a good enough view for a university dorm.

"Yeah, we should really get going." I retort playfully.

But we don't. It isn't a rare occurrence really, that we hang together like this. But we here we are, laying on the couch in comfortable silence as if it's customary. Eventually, Darlene gives in and pulls me up to the front door. She puts on her snowy mary janes as i do as well to my black heeled boots, then we actuallt do something regular; we walk together until we reach the intersection that splits us to each other's classes.

But just like the view to our right, more clear without the transparent panel of glass blurring it, things change.

It feels just like yesterday that the leaves were covered in soft white, along with the mist that kisses our cheeks everytime we welcomed the outside nature. But today, the white has fallen to green, with the mist that had made it's way to follow the months leaving already being replaced by warm rays of sunshine and laughter. And tomorrow, the atmosphere will fade into scarlett, as ash of fireplaces start filling the air.

"Hey, hold on. I think this is Brenda's dorm. Let me ask for my lip gloss back real quick." Darlene interrupts with soft hands stopping me on the shoulders, just as we're about to reach the intersection.

I chuckle, and nod. Then I usher her to go and hurry up to take the make up. Then I stand in solitude as shadows shade me from the warmth that starting to rise.

Then I hear a voice that pushes the melancholy back up in my chest.

"Trish?"

Emerald eyes incapable of any discomfort burn holes into my face.

"Jay?"

A/N
wowoowwww its 1am rn and i have a math exam tmr 😭😭
but i hope u like it so far :))