Constellations

Perception

"Now you walk through me, with my heart heavy."

Will you cry?
Gracie Abrams

Trisha

"Jay!"

Autumn is approaching and I find myself enjoying the outside a bit early. It was one of my favourite things to do in the late months of high school. Appreciate the fall of crimson as trees wilt in the cold. I'd even bring my canvas and paint the scenery sometimes.

Kids and their mothers glancing and pointing in awe, couples showing off how melded they are to the world. Whatever was happening, I'd appreciate how it overwhelmed me; it got my mind off him.

But in the end, I am weak; I always am for him. I sit in the cafe where we'd always meet up to revise history notes, beige coat still on since I get cold easily. I see him, in a jacket and jeans, and I smile as I call him over to my seat. It's as sincere as I can make it out to be, and judging by the smile he returns as he walks over and into the seat opposite to me, it's enough. I'm not going to show him my true heart, and I never plan to.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" I push down the need to roll my eyes and give him a small chuckle instead. "Yeah, it has."

"Here, just how you like it." I tell him as I pass over a latte; the white cream cat on top just deepens the cold in my chest.

Jay beams, taking a sip "Aww... you even remembered Bartholomew." If things couldn't get worse, he brings up his beloved cat I haven't cuddled with in at least 3 years. Of course him getting a girlfriend meant I wasn't number one anymore, therefore I didn't visit his house as often. Therefore I don't get to see his cat, Bartholomew. I wonder if he's liking the feeling of Emily's press on nails more than my hands.

"I miss him so much, my gosh. Your parents still being quite the push over huh? Is he in good hands?" I add a small laugh in the end to brighten the topic. "Yeah.. just like always. Mew's with my brother most of the time though, so he's in good hands." I just nod sipping my tea again.

Despite the fact that he's right in front of me, we still feel so distant. The comfort I'd always find in silence is long gone and I don't even try to help it. As my mind always does in the worst times, I get thinking again. Here I am fussing over a problem that doesn't even exist. The man texts me every week for goodness sake, we're still close! But something blinds me to that fact and paints him as if he's as dense as the ocean; someone.

"I miss you, y'know."

My poor attempt in keeping the gates of my heart locked fails as he brings up my worst weakness; sentimentality. The hope that this excessive thinking is mutual and that he really does care rises. But I'm not ready for that conversation. You leave me in our last year of high school for another blonde you've only known for 6 months, just to come back 2 years later? No shit I'm not ready.

Taking another sip of my tea, I give him a hum. Then my eyes lock in with his, displaying hurt? concern? I brush it off.

I give another attempt in keeping things closed off, "How's Jade?"

After saying it, I realize how low it was. Bringing up his girlfriend after he tells me that he misses me really doesn't hide the grudge I can't help but have.

He frowns.

Now I'm sure he's aware there's something between us. I remember how much he knows me. However long his emerald eyes have been off me recently, they were still there when mine were a brighter brown; ever since we were kids. And this time, I'm grateful, because he reads me like a book. He sees right through the dark in my eyes, flipping the page and understands that I'm not ready. Then he sighs.