Safe & Sound

everything has changed

taylor's pov 

i've just started my european leg of the eras tour which don't get me wrong, it's my favourite thing to do i wouldn't trade my job for the whole world, but recently i have been missing travis more than ever. and i know it sounds pathetic, like i'm a love-struck and still in highschool, but i truly have never been so wonderstruck by someone in my whole life. he had me wrapped around his finger and i wouldn't change a single thing about it, the last year with him i swear it's been like living in a fantasy. so now that he has pre-season training and i'm in europe the 2,000 miles felt like a whole universe away.

the other thing causing me grief was this sickness, it won't go away! i presume it's because of my high-energy lifestyle balanced with having almost constant jet-leg followed by eating many european dishes which i wasn't accustomed to. i thought nothing of it as i exhaustingly hauled myself into my bed after my first 3 hour show since 2 months off. god i forgot how taxing those boots were on my feet and how draining it all was, but it was worth it for the 3 hours i got feeling on top of the world and the faces of the fans that I GOT the privilege to entertain. it was the largest blessing of my life and i loved and cared for every single one of them. 

i thought all this as i lay scrolling through tiktok assessing everyone's reactions to my recent addition of the tortured poets department onto the setlist. i laughed as i saw one girl balling her eyes out with her friend comforting her while they watched on a grainy livestream, i liked it and left a heartfelt comment before going to turn sleep mode on for the night. as i did i recieved a message which made butterflies swarm in my stomach even after all this time, 
travis❤️🥰: you absolutely smashed it tonight tay, can't wait to see with my own eyes soon. thinking of you always, love you ❤️
even though he had called me after the show (and before) the fact he still felt the need to message me those sweet words warmed my heart - what had i done to deserve someone like this? i replied thanking him and repeating his sentiment before switching my phone off and falling into a deep sleep.

my peaceful slumber was awoken however by the sudden wave of nausea that forced me to hurdle myself through the suite and into the bathroom, getting there just in time to revisit my dinner. i allowed myself to silently sob as i leaned lifelessly on the wall staring at the opposite one wondering why this was happening - i never got jet lag and if i did i always worked hard to fight it off. i sat in the dark willing the oncoming wave to subside, however it had other plans and soon i was crouched over the bowl again. i cried, tired but unable to rest. my mind spiralled - what if i couldn't perform tomorrow because i was too sick? no pull yourself together tay you have never cancelled for sickness that's stupid. why was i sick? what had i eaten? no seafood. jet lag should have gone by now. i don't understand.

click.

no. how could i be so naïve? what if. no. surely not? there's no way. no. no. no. that's stupid.

i said to myself as i began pacing around the spacious bathroom. the first thing i did was call my mom because i knew that although it was after 2am in the morning, i needed her right now and she was the only one i could confide in with this. she picked up within the first ring and groggily answered "tay?"
"mom" i let out through a few quiet sniffles as it dawned on me - what if someone would call ME that, that was too daunting to think of right now.
"what's wrong? i'm coming round now." she said and i heard her hang up. within seconds i heard a following light knock on my door, i swiftly opened it letting her slip in before closing it behind her. she immediately wrapped me up in a hug "oh taylor, sweetie, talk to me, what's on your mind?" she asked in that caring tone only my mom manages to adopt, a tone that made me feel like all my issues had dissipated. 

she sat me down on the nearby ottoman as i began to say "mom, i've been sick."
"oh tay" she said wiping the stray hairs from my face
"but, i couldn't work out why until i had the thought" i saw her moment of realisation, however i needed to say it myself i think "what if? what if it's morning sickness momma?" i asked and suddenly i was transported back to my childhood room when i was crying to my mom about actually being sick. i don't know why but i half-expected disappointment to lace through her expression, however nothing but concern was etched on her face. 
"okay, tay, let's not jump to conclusions. here's what i'm going to do, i'll put an order in for some tests at the local pharmacist and i'll send someone to get it first thing in the morning. okay?"
"but mom i don't want anyone knowing" i said, emphasising the anyone
"i know that tay and nobody will know i will just say they need to pick up some medicines for me, i'll put the order in right now and i'll be right back how does that sound?" i nodded as i watched her seamlessly dial a number and speak to the recipient with all the grace and poise in the world. i admired her so much and i got to wondering how if my fears were true it wouldn't be the end of the world, someone would be able to admire me that much one day.

once that was all ordered she lay me down on the bed, fastening my hair up and out of my face and gently holding me as i drifted back to sleep.