Soul Searching

''Don't Call Me baby,''

Lenora Levine

"I don't understand why you are not more excited about this," Olivia said walking into my dorm room. We had been roommates for my first year. After that I opted to live alone. It was more comfortable that way, and Olivia had been a good friend throughout the years and was helping me pack.

"I just don't want to marry," I whisper, making sure the door is closed. "He has acted uninterested in me even when we were freshman with our parents telling us we should date. And god Liv, the sex is terrible. He acts if we are strangers." Olivia cheeks flare and she looks down. "It could be worse, he is beautiful and will give you a good life."

"I know, but wouldn't you rather live your life by yourself? Explore a little bit Instead of always being with someone, always having rules, and someone to please? Pulse being controlled in the actions you take, to make sure you don't mess up, or say the wrong thing."

"He's controlling?" She asks in surprise. I shake my head and drop the next pile of books in my head into the big box beneath me. "No, but you always know when he doesn't like something, or when he wants you to do this or that. It makes me so nervous. And pulse I already have anxiety, and well you know."

"I know." She smiles sadly and hands me another stack of books.

"But you wouldn't want to mess up a relationship with him. He's a good man who will treat you well and support you."

"But I don't need anyone to support me."

"Maybe not," she says, "But one day you might, and you will be grateful he is there for you. And you know Matt can love, laugh, and be a good person right? Just give him a shoot. You two have been dating so long, it might just take him a bit longer to know he's making the right choice, or wrong."

"Don't you think he would know by now. It's been four years, Liv."

"Maybe he is not the one not being able to choose then. Have you ever really wanted commitment."

"Are you implying I am cheating?" She shrugged. "Well you never seem to have anything good to say of the man."

"I have never cheated Olivia," She nodded and raised her eyebrows.

I blew off the comment, not in the mood to fight about Matt with Olivia. She always seems to want to defend him and he is always right, like he is a god or something. It's weird. So we never talk about him much.

"I still do not want to marry him." I whisper shamefully. I need someone to talk to, even if it is someone who will judge me. "It is early. I am too young."

"You're not too young Lenora, you're lucky!" She screams barking trooping the four pile of books on the floor. "So stop with the poor me and start getting ready to have the dream life, the one with much money, and babies and a house and kids." Her eyes swell up with tears. "Because you will get to live all of that, when it is someone else's dream."

"Women have different dreams. I have dreams to be something important in life, something bigger than you and I and this room. Not every woman wants to set aside their life and just be a baby maker. There are bigger things in life." I say quickly not meeting her eyes.

I never defended myself much, never said my opinion but right now it felt important to do so.

"How could you say such a thing to me? You know I can't have children!" She screams with tears flowing down her face. "Liv im sorry," I try to grab her arm but she brushes off the touch and runs for the door.

"I'm glad you're going to be out of England soon. You never seem to care about anyone else's feelings. Your selfish Lenora Levine. You're selfish that you will have a good life with a good man and you still seem to find a way to complain about it. "