𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞

𝟓 | 𝐟𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

Micheal

"Tell me about the first time that you felt like drugs gave you the release that you needed."

The satisfaction that I felt after using substances wasn't because I was under the deluded impression that my trauma was suddenly healed... the consumption of drugs made me forget. When I was high so much adrenaline pumped through my mind that I'd been more obsessed with the idea of overdosing than whatever happed to me in my childhood.

Right now, forgetting was all that I needed,

During the last twenty-nine months of my life that were spent inside of that prison cell the only thing that I could successfully do was remember. After five long years of having the advantage of forgetting, it was taken away from me and there was nothing pulling me away from the dark events that shaped me into the person who I was today.

I searched my mind for the first time that I felt the urge to use drugs.

During my freshmen year of high school, I was often invited to parties hosted my upper-class men for whatever strange reason. Although I was never a social butterfly it gave me a reason to escape what was going on inside my childhood home. On one occasion I came across the teenage girl Beatrice, a name was that was branded in my mind since then. Prior to the party James had assaulted me because of the simple fact that I expressed that I hadn't felt comfortable being left alone with one of his older mistresses, my discomfort for being non-consensually touched made my father accuse me of being a homosexual. My mind played back all of the slurs he through in my direction as he punched me,

Beatrice seemed like a sweet girl to say the least, she comforted and listened to me as I told her what happened that same night. Eventually she suggested that I followed her upstairs to her room, proclaiming that the music was too loud for her to hear my properly and I listened. I could remember how confused I was when she first pulled out the small clear bag of substance... and although it may be disbelieving but at first, I was hesitant. I witnessed people around me do cocaine and I knew exactly what it could do to someone, my older cousin Tommy often idolized it as some sort of escape from reality and that was exactly what I needed. After a few moments of doubting myself, I eventually took a line and waited as the adrenaline emerged in my body. The experience was exactly what I needed in that moment; whatever James and his friend had done earlier hadn't crossed my mind once. For the first time in my life, I was driven by something more than anger,

I was driven by ecstasy.

Ecstasy pumped through my veins when Beatrice climbed on top of me later on that night. That night was the first time that I made the decision to have sex... and it felt empowering. Beatrice allowed me to do everything that I wanted—I grabbed her, I choked her, I hurt her,

That night introduced me into a new perspective of sex, one where I wasn't the one who felt impuissant afterwards. Perhaps it was sadistic, but I didn't care in the moment, quite frankly I still don't.

So, if I had to define the first moment in my life that drugs created my alternate reality it would be that exact moment.

Though I still nonchalantly shrugged my shoulders.

I could see that Janae Johnson Ph.D. didn't find my answer useful from the twitch of her nicely waxed eyebrow. As I examined the dark-skinned women in front of me I couldn't but to think what a scam her profession was.

So, one may wonder exactly what I was doing here if I thought this was all stupid... Well, Judge Byers allowed me to serve my remaining 48 months on probation under the circumstances that I attended court ordered therapy for 5 hours a week. If it were up to me, I would still be sitting in my confined cell staring at the blank wall, but the prison guards suggested that I was mentally unstable.