𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞

𝟏𝟖 | 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬

Micheal

One of my favorite things to do was shower. It was the one aspect of my life where I felt like I had complete control. No matter what was happening around me, I could always ensure that my body was clean, never dirty. I enjoyed taking ridiculously long showers; it gave me time to think and to daydream about whatever I wanted to. It was my sanctuary, a place where I could escape from the chaos and find a moment of peace. Not even sleep provided a moment of peace for me. Inevitably, a bad nightmare would disturb my rest, or my nagging brother would wake me up. While I was awake, I had full control over my daydreams, and the shower was the only place where they could flow uninterrupted. However, today's shower was different; a thousand thoughts clouded my mind, all of them circling back to Annie.

Everything about her today haunted every corner of my thoughts, making it impossible to find the usual tranquility I sought in the warm, cascading water. One half of my mind was fixated on the expression she made before she exited the pool house; she looked so hurt. The idea of me hurting Annie made my body ache in a way I couldn't explain... I found myself feeling sick. It was as if her pain had transferred to me, and I could feel it deep within my bones. The guilt gnawed at me, making it hard to breathe, and the soothing cold of the water did little to wash away the torment I felt inside. There was so much I wanted to say to her confession, but I felt like I could only say so little. I envied how comfortable she was with her feelings, able to confess them so openly. I envied how she didn't let her childhood trauma affect the way she shared her emotions as an adult.

Antoinette stirred emotions in me that I wasn't prepared to express because I couldn't find the right words. I didn't know how to explain how deeply she occupied my thoughts, constantly invading my mind with her presence. The way she believed that I felt nothing for her caused me an indescribable pain, a suffering that lingered in my heart and mind. I wished I could tell her how much she intoxicated my every waking moment and how her mere existence affected me in ways I could never fully articulate. I wish I could tell her that some days I'd give everything I had just to be in the same room as her, even if we didn't get the chance to talk. Sometimes, just the mere thought that we breathed the same air sent my entire body into a frenzy.

Her beauty played a minor role in my attachment to her; I was attracted to her energy. Every time Antoinette was around, I felt a rush of contentment, and it was a feeling that I found hard to find when she wasn't around. She had this unique aura that made everything seem brighter and more meaningful. Her presence alone brought a sense of peace and happiness that I couldn't find elsewhere.

Drugs became my go-to for erasing memories of everything—my parents, the woman, everyone else—but Annie? She was unforgettable. No matter how much I indulged, she lingered in my thoughts, and honestly, I didn't mind one bit. Annie made me feel better when I found myself at low points. She made me realize that I was more than what the people around me shaped me into. She saw the real me, beyond all the facades and mistakes, and that made all the difference. Annie was the only person who I felt like acknowledged me as a human.

Being around Annie gave me a high that no physical drug could match, and it was my favorite kind of high. Euphoria was the perfect word to capture what she made me feel—a state of intense happiness that was all-consuming.

Even though I was completely certain of my feelings in my mind, I found it incredibly difficult to say them out loud. It wasn't just about the fear of rejection or vulnerability; it was because I knew deep down that my feelings weren't right. My life was filled with complexities and struggles that starkly contrasted with the perfect, idealized image that Annie's brother had created for her. I was aware of the chaos and turmoil that defined my existence, and I couldn't bear the thought of tainting her seemingly perfect world with my own imperfections. And now that I knew she reciprocated those feelings everything was different,