Memories

Chapter 10

Three weeks later

Since weeks I don't leave my house. I don't feel good. When I had a panic attack and Timothe helped me, the next day he was gone, and I felt sick. I haven't seen him since then and I honestly miss him. I have with every corner I look in this house some small flashbacks and a headache and I don't know why.

Dara understood my situation and half forced me to rest and not go out till I feel better. But it only gets worse with each day.

When there is a knock and the door opens, I know it was Dara. I am in my room, laying down on my bed. My bedroom door opens, revealing Dara with a cup of nettle tea.

"I have to tell you something." She speaks. She looks guilty and sad. What does she want to tell me?

"You know you don't remember your childhood and I know it puts a strain on you physically and mentally. So, I'm here to tell you everything I know. I don't know if it's the right choice, but I also must apologize."

With that she explains everything. My childhood trauma, the way my parents treated me, the way it affects me till today. As I listen to the things the flashbacks also came. Yelling. Shouting. Threaten. Hate. Everything.

I don't know why but I feel betrayed by my own brain. I forgot everything about what those two people did to me. Deep in the processing of everything moment, I get up. I didn't even notice that I was crying.

I put a sweater on and walk out. Not thinking about Dara who is in my room and the sickness I had. This was probably why I felt sick.

I walk and walk till I find myself near to the ocean. My and Timothe's place. I see him there.

Good, thank you. I don't know what I would do if I was alone.

I run into his arms. "Timmy", I whisper. He caresses my cheek. I feel the warmth of his hand on my cheek. I lean into his touch.

We sit down at the edge of the way, with our legs hanging down. I explain him everything and he listens as always.

"Thank you for listening and being here for me, Timmy."

He smiles and puts his hand on my cheek.

When he smiles I automatic smile too.

His eyes flicker to my smile. "Your smile is so precious. It is the thing I love the most about you. You could light up a room with one grin."

My heart beats faster and I blush. "Thank you" I say quietly. I am tired but his presence wants to make me stay awake. I put my head on his shoulder and his arm wraps around my waist, letting me feel at home.

Timothe is the only one I feel safe with. I mean I find out that Dara kept something important from me. I'm not mad at her for not 'helping' me when I was a kid. I'm mad at her for not telling me sooner.

When Timothe sees me deep in my thoughts he puts his hand on my cheek. I love the warmth of his touch.

And my heart beats faster again.

"You know what?" He looks into my eyes. I look back and mumble "Hm?"

"Hell with you sounds like heaven to me."

My breath hitches. "Timmy", I whisper and my eyes water. Not because of what I found out of my shitty childhood or Dara hiding it from me, no. Because Timothe is so sweet to me and shows me how much he cares about me. It's new for me this feeling yet I feel so safe with it.

I don't like trying something new and these changes. But Timothe is the best change in my life.

"Lycorida!" I hear from the distance. I get up quickly to see who it was. When the steps come closer, I turn to Timothe to see him gone.

My heart drops to my stomach in disappointment.

Does he feel ashamed being seen with me?

"Lycorida, darling! I searched for you everywhere! Are you okay?" I turn around to see Dara's worried face.

"How did you know I was here?" I ask, ignoring her questions.

"Well, you told me how this is your and your best friend's safe place so I thought you would be here with him. Why are you in your guy's place alone?"

I look down to my feet. I don't want to tell her that I think, know, that Timothe is embarrassed to be seen with me. He never wants to go in public places and doesn't even want to meet Dara.

"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. I wanted to but I didn't know how, and I didn't want to trigger you."

When I see the guilt and regret in her eyes I sigh and hug her. I can't stay mad at her. She didn't want to hurt me and I know that. "It's okay. I'm sorry for just running away." She holds my hand. "I understand that you needed time for yourself. It's fine." We then start to walk back.

"So, you were a psychologist when you were younger?"

Dara smiles sadly and nods. "I don't know if it was a good thing though. I couldn't stop analyzing people and whenever I talked to people, I started to think what they probably think, if they lie and much more. And if you know it once, you know it forever and can't stop it anymore. It was good sometimes but also bad.

For example, when I read someone wrong or when they saw me as a fun stopper. That's why I started to isolate myself and stop seeing so many people." Her story makes me think.

She hadn't had it easy either.

From outside she looks like a kind and lovely person, who everyone loves. But inside she has things she regrets and is alone.

"Now you have me." Her eyes sparkle and she look at me.

"I know and I'm very thankful for that."

With that we said our goodbyes, since we arrived already. When she gets inside her house, I take my keys to my house and walk to it. I feel a hand on my hand. "No", a deep voice says making me stop and look behind to reveal those ocean eyes blue that stare in my forest green ones.

"Timmy? What do you mean no? You just disappeared earlier now you're here to stop me from getting inside or what?"

"Yes. Cause I know that you're going to have a damn panic attack again. I won't let you go inside this house. Now you know everything, and we both know that it's going to hurt you. So now come. Let's go back to our place, yeah?" I frown. Why can't we go to his place?

"First answer me why you disappeared like that earlier. Are you embarrassed of me?" The last part comes out as a whisper. He puts his forehead on mine and whispers back. "Never." Closing my eyes I wrap my arms around him. After our hug we walk back to our place while he explains to me where he went earlier.

"Hm. You remembered something and went back to check it? That fast without me noticing?" He nods.

I decide to trust him, even though it sounds like an excuse and walk back with him.

"I used to calm myself down every time I had a panic attack. Now I think I can't calm down without your presence anymore."

He kisses my head when I say it.

Our hands touch and we interlock our fingers together.

Is this how best friends act with each other?