Promising thoughts- Diary of 13-14

Do what you like, or what youre good at?

Doctor. Author. Really hard

I cant but think about my future, every time i consider a career at something i find myself failing in it. I dont think i was ever good at something, since the covid situation had took me to a different person with worse experiences.
I never considered that i was good at writing or making stories, even tho I remember myself not focusing on classes and thinking about stories, making them into reality using some silly little characters on different apps, putting on my passion of moving those lil characters into something big i wish.
Not even mom believes in me right now, everything i do feels like a sin. I feel the urge to study but my feelings never controlled my muscles
I cry in the late night. Not crying about boys or relationships, crying of the thought of considering a career in the future. Sometimes i feel like i would almost fail my whole life with a decision which i havent found out of yet. Its the urge to be a doctor helping people with the kindness of my heart and learning the things i have fun getting knowledge about, i dont even know how ive been doing this my whole life. The way i had been so alone always
Even though im surrounded with people that i don't hate, but it still feels like im the one raising myself and growing my personality, my family never helped but into taking role in damaging my own mental and spirituality.
The way i learned so many things by myself that had took place in my life. But it was never about being proud of myself for learning things alone. Its about having to risk my chances and being in a horrible experiences just so i can live through it. It really annoys me how my family never believed in my no matter how i tried to prove it.
A criminal mind works in making things done the fastest way. A hero mind works into taking consideration of how much they have to risk just to prove a certain thing.
Why does the human brain have to work like this. Why does it always have to capture the bad memories and leaving the greats, making a believe into us that we're suffering more but turns out we're balancing in life. Why does the bad memories storage importantly into our brains but the good ones are not.
Making me feel like im threatened of living. But its all a test in a universe.
I never understood how we have to take tests and exams in school and colleges.
Taking a far look of seeing two different people taking the same test
Human A studying for the test like their life depends on it, one question could threaten their future their meaning time and their pastime. But Human B had put zero effort of making it to the exam, they already feel grateful for living and not taking a single thought if a question or a piece of paper would change the course of their lives. Having fun when its time to.
But no matter how different people are no matter how different our brains think, theres always failure and success between us.
The real thing is that how the government put the idea of seeing how different we are by our jobs by our houses our clothes our money into our brains. But not that we're different by the way we think, the opinions we have and the way we like things to go
Why is the thought of seeing how much heroes are in this world and how many villains are out in this world. Yet it was never balanced, but also never by both of their sides. Its always a much less at some side and much more in the other side, but still depending on life situations.
This world never qualified in balancing anything it never succeeded into putting great equality in anything.

Its all a test.

After all those words quoting different feelings and emotions. I still never reached what i want. What i need.
Its still a "become what you like or what you're good at" situation.

If i already lost it at age 13, would life still have a taste at age 25? The age I describe most as the perfect age to start my own life

26 may 2024,