Was Any Of It Real?

Admission

Wednesday, November 8, 2023

Jake's knee touches mine and he leaves it there. I know I'm being a girl, I'm reading into something that's not there. He doesn't like me, but he moved his arm to touch mine and neither of us moved away. The small touch we both let be the whole class. I need to stop before I can't stop myself, before I fall for someone. 

Relationships are a distraction and require energy that I don't have. Which is why I let all my boyfriends stay fictional. In a world where they can't hurt me. When a boy is from a book I know my love for him isn't reciprocated and it doesn't hurt because he isn't real.

I don't want to admit that I like him. Not to myself at the very least. Liking Jake I know would just end horribly. He's my ex, Jaxson's, best friend, and I'm, me. After fourth period, chemistry, I walk to the meeting point, my locker, where Selena, Kennedy, and I meet to go to the lunch spot that Scarlett and Rosaline found near the beginning of the school year.

When I get to my locker I switch out my books, and I know Selena is close by. When I turn around she's there.

"Hey Sel," I say like always. She looks at me a second longer, examining my expression.

"Hey Bry, why are you so smiley?" She knows me too well...

"If I admit it to you I don't have to admit it to myself, I guess." At least that's what I wanted to tell myself. A lie that should have turned my hands red, but didn't.

"Fine," She replies skeptically knowing how hard it is for me to admit to things when I'd rather avoid all my problems. Running away from your emotions being something that I'd already have my doctorate in.

As we continued our walk over to Scar and Rosey to sit for lunch my brain was still trying to process the feelings that were growing for someone I knew would never like me. I knew that in my head but my heart wouldn't let the information destroy the feelings that were starting to bloom there even though I didn't want them to. Those feelings like weeds sprouting from the side walk.

"Who is it?" Sel asks as soon as we sit down. 

"Can we go to the side?" I don't want everyone to know about this thing I have for him. I mean I want to ignore it. But Selena can already tell that I'm happy after being next to him, which means I can't avoid this for much longer.

"I guess," As we moved over I knew telling her, my best friend, would force me to accept this.

"I'm admitting something to you I can't accept, also it's another one of those bad choices my brain loves to make." I tell her because as we've established, I'm a straight A student that can't make good life decisions. When it comes to my personal life, I'm helpless, but I can help everyone else with theirs and apparently give the best advice.

"I like Jake, but I shouldn't and I'm trying to kill the feelings." Murder isn't illegal if I'm murdering my own emotions. In the court of my soul the death of emotions is never looked into.

"Why, it's good to feel things, even if we don't like to." I almost laughed because Sel of all people couldn't say that. I mean I know I told her that and it's kind of horrifying that we switched our friendship roles right now. I'm supposed to be the sensible one. 

"Feelings are bad, and it's not like you have room to talk. You hate feelings more than me."

"I know, but take the happy."

"Fine," I say conceding this argument form the start because I didn't feel like arguing with her about how happiness from certain sources can be disastrous. Opposite to Selena's belief I do listen to her, which means I could've used her own words against her in this argument but then we'd get annoyed with each other. Which I wasn't in the mood to deal with so I passed on the opportunity to argue.

This admission even to my best friend took a whole lunch period to be coaxed out of me. Meaning forty-five minutes of me being cryptic. We talked in circles for about thirty minutes until we finally got to the part where I admit that I like him. My time to avoid my feelings was also now up. They caught up to me and now I have to face my favorite thing to avoid. I had to accept the thing I hate most with open arms, a form of love that isn't quite love yet, like.

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Hey readers, I hope you enjoy this story. Most of the updates are going to be pretty short.

I hope all the insomniacs go to sleep and the morning people enjoy the sun.