When the curtains close

30.

"So, that's it for 2017" Perrie sighed dropping herself on the bed.

They had barely slept a couple of hours, just the minimum amount of rest required to start the complicated task of trying to understand what Jade's words concealed.

The day after the visit to the hospital, they spent a few hours with their children and updated the people closest to them, giving some information about Jade's condition. And then they started digging for the meaning behind those words.

They started alone at Perrie's, sitting in her bedroom. In silence, they searched on the internet, they searched through the archives of their old photos, and then they searched in their multiple group chats, past and present.

And while they were doing it, they felt they weren't alone. They could feel Jade, they could feel her presence; they imagined her sitting on one of the gray armchairs placed in the corner of the bedroom. They imagined her smiling, as she encouraged them to continue; they imagined her proud, sure that every sentence uttered to spur them would contain the word "hun".

They continued for a few hours, through different devices but nothing, the absolute nothing. A total void. Not a picture related to Jade's words, not a hunch.

Little Mix. Cargo trousers. Red sweater.

They hadn't gone mad all of a sudden. They weren't all caught in some collective frenzy. They knew it, they knew it well that those words could potentially mean absolutely nothing.

But it was all that tied them to Jade. All that gave them the strength to think positively. The belief, or perhaps the illusion, that there was something to do other than simply wait. The belief that they could do something for Jade, the need to still feel her close.

And like that, Perrie and Leigh-Anne kept searching for a few hours, and when they realized that more eyes, minds, and memories were needed, they began to include people who were dear to them, to Jade, from the times of Little Mix, people they could trust.

They had moved to the living room, everyone intent on different activities. Leigh and Jamie were focused on social media, and Perrie and Aaron were analyzing lyrics from Little Mix and Jade's solos. Sam was focused on the interviews Jade had given in recent years, Zack on her TV appearances, while Holly, Sairah, and Ellie were rewatching old episodes of the X-Factor.

And again, they felt her there with them, imagining her sitting on the couch next to Leigh, ready to make jokes about some stupid or embarrassing photos she had posted over the years.

Perrie, on the other hand, imagined her next to her, sitting between her and the hairstylist. She imagined her laughing, reminiscing about the nights spent together in the studio; she imagined her explaining the meaning behind her solo songs, when she wrote them, and what she felt.

Up to this day, as Perrie reflects on those moments, she's able to recall every detail. The fear, the pain, that glimmer of hope, the regret. That situation was tough for anyone, but perhaps a bit more so for her.

"I need a break," Perrie said, standing up quickly, not wanting the threatening tears to become known to anyone.

She left the room, gently closed the door, and climbed the stairs. She headed to her bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed.

It was indeed true, that situation was painful for anyone, but for her, perhaps a bit more. Because the truth wasn't that time hadn't been given to them, the truth was that they had wasted a lot of it.

A hissed sob managed to escape and she just let the tears flow freely, one after the other. And yes, all that fear, all that regrets, the knowledge of all the wasted time, it hurt quite a bit.