my lover | taylor swift story

38.

just a week later, nova got sent home from the hospital with all three of her children. for the first night, both women took turns with feedings and changings, and at two in the morning, they were both awake, changing two babies at once.

the second day home, taylor felt guilty. she felt like nova had way too much stress on her. from giving birth to being home, it was a big transition. taylor had offered everything and anything to nova, and the brunette accepted it all with open arms. she was having trouble bonding with the three babies, but she tried her hardest.

the third day, nova stayed in bed. all day. she had intense anxiety and didnt move from her place on the bed unless to go to the bathroom or get food. her appetite had been absolutely demolished since giving birth, only tolerating bread and butter or crackers.

on the sixth day, taylor was confused. she had thought nova would come back around and be a lot more helpful, wanting to cook every meal and clean every diaper, since that is how she usually acted. but it was the opposite.

taylor had offered to cook every single night since the third day home. nova said no every time it was offered. she did not want to offend her fiance, but she also just wanted to rest.

for once in her life, nova felt exhausted. actually exhausted. the kind where she felt like even getting up out of bed would take all of her energy. which is exactly why she has been laying in bed for three days.

while taylor had been concerned already, this concerned her more than anything.

"nova, get up." taylor said sternly to the brunette laying in their bed. nova didnt respond.

taylor pulled the pillow from beneath the womans head. "nova, i need you to get up. im being serious." somehow, the blonde had managed to get the sheets off of the bed to put in the wash, and now she needed to put clean sheets back on, which would be difficult with nova in the way.

taylor had snapped. "nova, get up!" she yelled, not even realizing until she blew up that she was upset.

the blonde saw that her fiances eyes were tearing up, despite staying in the same position. "nova, i am sick and tired of this! you have done nothing to help-" taylor gulped hard. "you havent helped me with anything. anything! i change every diaper. i feed the children. i feed them! you have not fed them since the first night we got home. you have been here in bed for three days! there is three of them! three babies, and im alone here, nova. i feel like i am a single mother and i cant do it! i have tried my hardest to make you feel loved. offering to make dinner. and you just stay here! laying in this stupid bed, with your stupid pajamas, for three whole stupid fucking days!"

taylor took a deep breath. it had all come out before taylors mind caught up with her mouth. she was being so rude, and she couldnt figure out why. this was the woman she loved most, that she couldnt look at without feeling like the luckiest person on earth. she had gone through so much pain to give them the life they have now. three wonderful kids that this woman she just degraded had given to her. she couldnt believe herself. she couldnt move, think, breathe-

"im sorry," nova began, in a whisper so soft taylor couldnt tell if it was just her imagination. "i cant do it, taylor. im so tired. i feel like i cant move at all, and if i do, i will just break. i think if i try getting up and doing anything i might die from the pure exhaustion."

nova continued, beginning to sob. "they dont love me, taylor. they dont even know me yet, and they hate me! i cant bond with them, or get them to latch. i have been crying every waking moment, and then when i go to sleep, i cry myself to sleep too. i feel like i cant lay a finger on any of those babies without hurting them. i will hurt them, taylor! i know i will."

"and its not just that," nova wiped her tears and taylor sat next to her. "i feel so hopeless. i feel like im going to fail them, i mean, they already hate me! im going to mess this all up."

taylor began tearing up listening to her fiance cry, but quickly hid it. "oh, baby. im so sorry. i had no idea-"

"i know you didnt! you have no idea how i feel!" nova suddenly snapped, her mood switching instantly.

"nova," taylor began, cautious and aware of novas emotional state. "i think you should see a doctor-"

"what kind of doctor? do you think im crazy? what, so they can lock me up? you think im crazy, dont you, taylor? dont you! i dont have any reason to live anymore,"

"nova, what are you talking about, of course you have a reason to live."

nova suddenly sat up, holding onto taylor as if her life depended on it. "can you please just hold me?"

an hour later, one of the babies began to cry, waking up from her nap. that caused a domino effect, leading all three babies to awaken.

taylor looked at the brunette who was laying on her shoulder, seemingly sleeping. "nova, i need to go get the babies."

"can i try?" nova whispered, looking up at the blonde. taylor noticed her red, swollen eyes. she nodded, somewhat nervous.

nova got up for the first time in three days. she walked across from their bedroom to the nursery they had designed months ago. she picked up cassandra, her daughter, and quickly began shushing her and bouncing her. she noticed that her diaper needed to be changed, so nova changed it.

cassandra stopped crying, but once nova picked her back up, she began crying again.

"please stop crying, cass," nova pleaded, beginning to cry. "i need to be a good mother. it cant just be taylor, cass."