Everything Unfamiliar

IV.

Dave drives me back to Danielle's and Liam's and before I depart from his car, he gives me a warm congratulations.

"They seem like a kind family, something I can tell you deserve." Dave adds, his gruff voice like an embrace.

"Thank you, Dave."

As I walk to the front door of the house, I repeat Dave's words in my mind, breaking them down to their very origin. And with each replay, they sound less and less sincere. And now I ask myself, do I deserve this? Is my purpose to be one of the ones who are destined to endure more pain than love in their lifetime?

                                                                              ___ ___ ___

I have my book open, but I am not reading. Tomorrow I will be moved to Alyssa and Micheals, and my anxiety has made no attempt to conceal itself. My intrigue now consumes every thought, and I have been unable to focus on anything else. I wonder where I will go to school, or if I will acquire my own room, or the way Alyssa and Micheal act behind closed doors. Suddenly there's a soft knock at the door.

"Come in," I say, sitting up and closing my unread book.

Liam peaks in and walks into the room uneasily.

"Phoebe," he says, walking over to where I was sitting.

"Yes?"

"Danielle and I thought it would be a good idea if we did something fun tonight. It is our last day, after all." he says with a solemn smile.

"That would be really nice. Thank you," I reply.

The mere fact that they thought of me in such a way at this moment made me queasy. Sometimes, foster parents were so eager to get rid of me, that they would practically ignore me until I was hauled away, without even a goodbye. So families that attempt to make the last day special always make me feel odd, almost sickly, but only because I feel as if I don't deserve it. But I am always grateful for these days, where I feel a part of something for just an evening.

Buzzing arcade games and squealing kids, we had greasy pizza and wore the ugly shoes you are required to wear. It was a good night, but at the end of the night, the sadness began to consume me like the black sea. And it regrettably came to my realization that I had done what I promised myself never to do. And I tried with great difficulty to shove it back into the deep depths of my heart, never to be seen again. I am in the back of this car, we're all silent with the contempt that comes after a happy evening, and I sense it: the panic I used to feel when I was younger. The panic that makes it to where there is nothing else I am able to focus on. Each bump of the vehicle sends me further into my head and I cover my face to bring on a black abyss before me in an attempt to rid of this feeling of abandonment and fear.

"Phoebe is everything okay back there," Danielle's voice hits me from the front seat.

I raise my head, only to realize I'm now crying. Danielle's demeanor, in a split second, shifts to concern.

"Are you okay, honey?" She asks, reaching her hand back to touch my leg gently.

I look at her wedding ring, sparkling up at me with its authenticity, and then I look back at her face, framed by her bleach blonde hair she gets done so often I am surprised it is still present. I realize at this moment, that these people before me will be nothing but a distant memory soon. And I will be that to them. There is nothing personal about these homes, so why should I be distraught to leave? I wipe my eyes and smile at Danielle.

"Yes, sorry. I had something in my eye." I say

Danielle nods her head, obviously not believing me fully, but not daring to inquire further. I close my eyes the rest of the way home.