Everything Unfamiliar

VIII.

The school days are passing quickly, Sarah, Devon, Quinn and I have been spending more time together. They have tried to include me in almost everything they do, even inviting me to hangout, but I've declined each time with ridiculous excuses I make up on the spot. I appreciate their effort to include me, but I can't bring myself to engage.

Now the Autumn leaves have released and left the trees bare and the days pass so quickly that each second becomes important. I have high grades in most of my classes and even gotten praise from some of my teachers. Most free days I spend watching films or listening to music. Micheal has been teaching me how to cook, which I enjoy a lot. The speed of this past month's passing has made me realize I won't have as much time as I thought I would. Sometimes this thought consumes me, and everyone can recognize these moods; when I get so in my head my only reaction is to hide from not only myself, but everyone around me. Alyssa and Micheal have been an immense help in getting me out of these moods even though they don't know what I am particularly upset about, and I refuse to tell them. The last thing I want is to make them feel guilty for something that is entirely my fault. But despite this, I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I know it won't last forever, but for now I am embracing it.

__ __ __

Rain patters on the window and collects at the bottom. Alyssa walks in with a steaming tea pot. Today, her mother is over. Alyssa told me last week that her mother was in foster care as well, and she would love for me to meet her. Hearing this news my curiosity was immediately sparked, so I told Alyssa I would love to meet her mother.

"Okay, here's the tea. Mom, do you want sugar?" Alyssa asks her mom.

"No thanks, honey." Eve says.

"What about you Phoebe?"

"Yes please," I say.

Alyssa prepares both of our teas and joins us at the table.

She introduces us to one another and we begin to talk. Alyssa's mom, Eve, describes many stories from when she was in foster care. She explains to me her feelings through the whole process, many I'm extremely familiar with. For the first time someone knows what I'm going through, but Eve made it out. She is free, and she assures me that I will be too.

"Phoebe, I can see in your eyes that you're fighting against your own mind. But remember, this isn't forever. You have so much in store for you. You are capable of so much love and there's so much love in this world for you. And by the looks of it, it's already here; you just have to recognize it. And I don't know what happened to you, and you're never required to talk about it, but one day, that won't be a part of you; It will be something that made you into the person you are. Never forget that." Eve says, her eyes looking at me with a sort of understanding I'm not used to.

I move my eyes to the tea, the full cup not steaming anymore, then to the window which rain hit against with surrender. I let out a breath, and it felt as if all the air in my lungs was let out. I nodded at Eve, now aware of the tear rolling down my cheek, and suddenly she hugged me. And as I opened my eyes, still in Eve's arms I saw Alyssa tearing up as well with a smile.

___  ___ ___

Sarah, Quinn, and Devon all look at me with anticipation.

"Come on, Phoebe, you never want to come." Quinn rolls his eyes.

"Oh– I don't know if I can." I say, with a small shrug.

I fully could come, and I knew that, but even after knowing this trio for a little more than a month now it becomes harder and harder to accept their constant invitations.

"Alyssa will be here soon, right? Why don't you ask her?" Sarah chimes in.

"Oh I don't know, I don't want to be a bother," I say, quickly.

"I can drop you off, she won't have to pick you up. Just ask," Quinn says, jiggling his keys.

He was the only one in our group who could drive because he's technically a junior but got held back.

I hesitate, but suddenly I hear a car pulling up and when I turn around I find it to be Alyssa.

Sarah runs up to the car and begins to chat with Alyssa, and somewhere in their conversation Sarah throws in that they're about to go out to eat and I'm welcome to come.

"Oh sure," Alyssa says energetically.

Sarah celebrates and the boys look at me with wide smiles.

I smile back at them and then say goodbye to Alyssa.

"Have fun, Phoebe. You deserve it." Alyssa says with a small smile.

I nod with a smile, then back up and watch her drive away. Devon, Sarah, and Quinn all wave goodbye to her.

I am still astounded how easy it is to feel safe around Alyssa. Sarah and the boys have only had small chats with Alyssa as Alyssa picks me up, but somehow they talk with her like they've known her since they were little.

One time, I asked her why she didn't have any kids because she was so good with them.

"Because I can't." Alyssa replied.

I told her I was sorry, but she assured me that it was okay, because it led her to this path of life, and she couldn't ask for anything more.

"Well, are you ready?" Devon asks.

I nod with a smile, trying to cover my anxiety about the situation.

Devon and Quinn begin to race through the parking lot, and Sarah laughs and rolls her eyes dramatically. I laugh too, and shake my head.

"Come on!" Quinn yells at Sarah and I.

Sarah grabs my hand and we begin to run after them as well. Then we all climb into Quinns truck and drive away.

We begin to drive around town, to places I've never been before. The windows are down and our hair is flying around. We each look through the Cds Quinn has in his truck, most of them being Sarah's. They introduce me to albums, and with each song I haven't heard of they act dramatically offended, which I laugh at. We finally stop at a cafe 15 minutes out of town and we go inside. Sarah, Devon, and Quinn greet the many workers like old friends. And they even have 'usuals.'

"This is our spot, we go here at least once a week." Devon says, shrugging after he catches me watching them all with curiosity.

The group gets coffee and even meals for free and we talk for hours. I laugh more than I probably have laughed in the last 15 years of my life. And I realize, my avid determination to avoid hanging out with this group was because that would make it official; that would mean that these were really my friends and not just some people I knew from school. But now I realize that that isn't true, because it doesn't matter if we're at the lunch table, or class, or in Quinn's truck, or even at this cafe, these are still my friends, I still love them and there's no setting that can change that.