What do people actually mean when they say they care? Do they mean that you are pretty and popular enough to hang out with? Do they say is as in they want to be your friend, or are they just lying straight in your face. When I was younger people always said that they cared about me, but they always left me for their other friend.
As I got older things never changed, they said they cared about me and would always listen to me, even though when I talk I am met with an empty space looking back at me. Why, you probably ask, well it's of course because their friends came, and when they come I turn invisible. I wish I didn't but I still haven't found out how to turn it off. I had friends, we had a laugh together and everything was good until I wanted to say something, I mentally prepare myself because I get easily burnt out and overstimulated, I got ready to say it, I opened my mouth and say the response out loud, or I think it was, it should have been, but it seems as it never made it out, but I swear it did. But that's when I remembered that I don't matter, people don't care about me, they don't listen, they don't want anything to do with me, they just hold onto you so that it will hurt more when they leave without an explanation, and when you finally find the courage to ask what happened they blame you. THEY FUCKING BLAME YOU!
They blame you for never taking initiative but you were the only one who ever did something. They blame you for excluding yourself when they are the ones wearing AirPods and showing each other things on their phones. They blame you when they get new friends who are mean to you. Because that is what they mean when they say "I care about you" because that is what they really mean.
And I wonder why it always have to be me. Maybe they were right, you know when I think about it I can see what they mean, I get it. Maybe I didn't do enough and that is why they left? Or maybe it is because I was different then them, because I had something that those mindless robots didn't have. But every night after they left me my mind goes crazy "it's your fault they left" "you are too fat" "you're to ugly" "you don't deserve them" "you don't deserve anyone who will love you" "you are disgusting and a disappointment for everyone around you. Go die" and maybe the thoughts in your head are right, maybe you should just to this world a favour and off yourself.
