Kentucky Kaleidoscope

Marriage

The first year was relatively smooth, but the second year hit us hard. I found myself sinking into deep depression, while my husband turned to video games as a coping mechanism. At the age of 22, I made the courageous decision to seek professional help for the first time in my life. It started with simple conversations with a therapist, who asked me numerous questions to understand my situation better. From there, I was referred to multiple specialists and underwent exams, including a thyroid scan.

The diagnosis revealed that I had Hashimoto's thyroiditis and bipolar disorder, which explained my extreme mood swings. Along with my husband's video game addiction, our differences in personality, poor communication skills, and challenging family backgrounds, it became a perfect storm. My unchecked mania led to risky behavior and self-destructive tendencies, pushing me further into a state of depression and even suicidal thoughts.

At times, it seemed hopeless, and I doubted if our marriage could ever recover. As I struggled, my husband's response was to exert control over our finances and decision-making, which only intensified my feelings of suffocation and paranoia. I felt like I couldn't make a move without scrutiny, even for simple things like buying a bottle of water.

I was living in constant fear, but I want to emphasize that it wasn't anyone's fault. We were both trying our best, but the circumstances overwhelmed us. Medication and hospitalizations provided little relief, and I found myself caught up with the wrong crowd, leading me down dark paths I never intended to explore.

Eventually, we hit rock bottom and made the difficult decision to separate. I moved out and spiraled further into self-harm and isolation. In that dark period, I felt both unworthy of love and strangely liberated. I cut off ties with friends and family to find a sense of freedom, but deep down, I knew I needed help. I didn't want to live like this anymore.

I despised my mental illness and felt lost on how to overcome it. The constant ups and downs strained my relationships with loved ones, leaving me feeling even more isolated. But amidst it all, my husband, despite everything I had put him through, decided to pay for my treatment at an in patient facility in Chicago, Illinois. He could have easily walked away, and no one would have blamed him, but he chose to stay. Even when he was angry and hurt, even when his love for me had changed, he remained by my side. I spent four weeks at Timberline Knolls.

After completing the program, I never had to return to a hospital again. Instead, I joined an outpatient program at a local hospital in Lexington and later participated in a two-year-long DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) program, which I successfully graduated from.

To this day, my husband and I continue to attend therapy sessions about once a month. During our separation, he also sought individual therapy to address his own challenges. We read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie together, even when we were physically apart during what I now call "the dark year" in 2012.

Now, we are blessed with two beautiful children. Our journey to parenthood wasn't without its own struggles, including infertility that led us to IVF for our first child. However, our second child came as a miracle, conceived naturally. We are incredibly grateful and open to the possibility of more children in the future.

We are truly blessed and have been married for almost 15 years, having been together for 20 years since our high school days. We have experienced both heartaches and moments of joy. Together, we have explored the world, pursued our dreams, faced challenges, shed tears, and grown together. I hope that we will continue to grow old together.

My dear, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You are the strongest and bravest person I know. Your unwavering support and faith in the Lord have been my rock. When I feel weak, you give me courage, and when I feel like giving up, you inspire me to keep going. Thank you for never giving up on me. You mean the world to me.