Some Things Are Worse Than Death

Chapter Three

Y/n's POV

We were both put on leave for about two weeks before we were allowed back. During that time Spencer was blowing my phone up, trying desperately to talk to me. I couldn't do it right now. Our friends were coming by to visit us both almost daily, but I wasn't doing much better. Physically, I had healed. Mentally, I was still there. I made sure to get our friends to give Spencer some notes from me; to reassure him that I didn't hate him, I wasn't mad at him, I still love him, and that I just needed time. Today was supposed to be back at the BAU, but I didn't feel ready. Yet, here I was anyways. "Penelope?" I call out, gently knocking on her door. She whirls around in her chair, giant smile spread across her face. "Buttercup! How are you?" She gushes, getting out of her chair. She gasps when she sees the box I'm holding. "Have you taken it yet?" She asks, and I shake my head no. "Do you want me to come with you?" She ask, and I nod my head yes. She offers her hand, and I gladly take it. Garcia leads me to the closest ladies room, helping me avoid running into anyone. When we get inside she grabs the door stop out from under the sink and wedges the door shut. I take a deep breath, and head into the stall. I open the box, quickly glancing over the instructions before I open the test's wrapper and take it. I quickly set a timer, wipe up, flush, lay the test on the counter, and wash my hands. "How long until we know?" Penelope asks, wringing her hands together. I check my phone, "forty three seconds." She nodded, taking a deep breath, "What are you going to do if it's positive?" I let out a dark chuckle, Hope it's a false positive, "The current state of the country only gives me two options, and you've seen what happens to kids in the system." Garcia nods, smoothing out her dress. The timer on my phone goes off, and we both rush to the sink. There it was, two bold lines. Penelope has to grab me to keep me from falling to the ground, "I think you need to go home, you are not ready to be back to work." Someone knocked on the door, "Everything okay in there?" It was Hotch. "Can I let him in?" Penelope asks, and I nod. She guides me to the door with her, holding me close to her. She uses her foot to remove the door stop, and opens the door. "Hurry, come on," She rushes, but Hotch just gives her a confused look, "This is the women's room." Penelope just grabs his tie, pulling him into the restroom. "I really shouldn't- oh," Aaron starts before seeing the positive test on the counter. He looks over at me, curled into Penelope, silently crying. "Let's get you to my office," Hotch offers, and I nod. Penelope pulls out a box that a bracelet would come in, handing it to me. "Spencer asked me to give this to you yesterday, and I completely forgot," She sighs, "Why don't you take the bracelet and give Hotch the box." She gestures with her head towards the test, and Aaron gets the idea. I pull the bracelet out, and then give the box to Hotch before I start putting the bracelet on. He pulls out a paper towel, picking up the end that hadn't been peed on to put it in the box before closing it back. Garcia takes the box back and drops it in her purse. The two of them guide me to Hotch's office, helping me dodge everyone. Once we get into Aaron's office he shuts the door, and then goes to sit behind his desk. Penelope sits me down in a chair, and then kneels down in front of me. I finally look at the gift from Spencer, admiring just how much thought he put into it. I wasn't ready to see him yet, but I think I could handle talking to him over text now. "Sweetie, do you want me to put the box on Spencer's desk before he gets here?" Garcia asks, and I hesitate for a moment to think on it. I decided that he needed to know, and nodded. She nods back, and then stands back up. "It looks like Derek and JJ are here. Is it okay if I tell them? We both know they're going to ask," She asks, and I nod my head. They were going to find out when Spencer does if she doesn't tell them now. "How about we set you on an indefinite leave? You need more time to heal, and now time process this. We will hold your position for you until you're ready to come back," Hotch offers, and I nod, "Yes, please. I, uh... I love working here, but I just need time," I thank him, and then I look up to see him looking out his window. I turn around, looking out into the bullpen. Spencer was moving slowly, bags under his eyes, his skin so pale. Garcia went up to him, rubbing his arms before giving him a hug. When she pulls away she grabs his face, pulling his head down to give him a kiss on the forehead. Garcia pats Spencer's cheek, and then rushes off somewhere. Derek and JJ glanced my way with supportive smiles when Spencer wasn't looking, and I smiled back at them sadly. I averted my gaze back towards Spencer, watching him collapse in his chair. He picks up the box, staring at it for a moment before getting up and moving towards Hotch's office. We both curse, trying to figure out how to hide me. "Under my desk," He instructs, so I drop to the floor and crawl around to hide there. I hear the door open, my heart pounding as I hear his voice for the first time in weeks. "Where is she, Hotch?" His heart was broken, you could hear it. "She went home, Spencer. I made her leave," Hotch was calm, I heard the door shut behind him. "Why would you send her home so soon? Why couldn't you wait until I saw her?" He was sobbing. I heard them move closer, somebody sat down in one chair and then someone sat in the other. "Because she still needs time, Spencer," Hotch was trying to be gentle, but he was a little frustrated. "What about me? Does no one care about what I need?" Spencer snapped, but Hotch didn't bite, "We have done everything we can to make sure you're never alone. We have sent every gift and message between the two of you, but right now Y/n's needs are a little more important." "Why are her needs so much more important?" He was angry and hurt, and taking it out on Hotch. I did my best to keep my breathing and tears silent. "Because she's pregnant?" Hotch was in disbelief over his response, and I was too. "Pregnant? What do you mean she's pregnant?" Spencer's voice was small, and Hotch paused for a moment. "Open the box." "Why do I need to open the box? This is the bracelet I gave her! I know what's in it! She... She gave it back...Now, what do you mean she's pregnant?" Spencer's rant started off angry, but slowly he broke down. "Open the box," Hotch repeated, this time his tone was more gentle. It was quiet for a second, and then I hear the box and test hit the floor. "How long have you known?" He felt betrayed, and Hotch was screwed no matter how he responded. "I just found out this morning, about ten minutes ago." Spencer goes silent, and I just can't take it. You still hear him moaning when you're alone, you're not ready. He needs me, fuck what I need. I crawl out from under the desk, but he's already out the door with his bag. I grab the empty box and the test off the floor, then take off after him. "Spencer!" I yell across the building, but of course he doesn't hear me. I run down the stairs, and start trying to go through the desks when Derek grabs me. "Let me go, he needs me!" I sob, but he just picks me up bridal style. "If you push yourself too hard you'll just set yourself back," He didn't seem to even notice I was fighting him. "How would you know what I need?" I bite back, but Derek just sympathizes with me, "Because I've been in your shoes, believe it or not." I stop fighting him, and he sets me down in Spencer's chair. "He was the leader of a youth center. He became a surrogate father to me after my dad died, helped me get out of trouble, I don't like to talk about it. He was my friend, I was supposed to be able to trust him, and he acted like it was in my best interest. Don't go see him until you're ready, but don't hide from him either. You got more than just yourself to think about now," Derek started off firm, but his tone shifted to gentle and caring towards the end. I took a moment to think about what he said, but then I stood back up and headed towards the door, "I have to stop hiding from him."

When I got home Spencer was banging on my front door, yelling my name. "Spencer," I whisper, holding my bag to my chest. He turned his head so fast I was worried he'd give himself whiplash, his entire face lighting up as soon as he saw me. My breath caught in my throat, I had to step back. His fingers rubbing my clit, trying to hide his moans as he's destroying my insides. "Oh," Spencer's face falls as he sees my reaction, and he takes a step back. "I'm so sorry," His voice cracks, "I'm so sorry, I'm doing my best to not make this any worse than it has to be," he whimpered, and he thrust inside me. I felt like I was being ripped in half. "Y/n, I tried so hard not to hurt you, please," Spencer was just as heartbroken now as he was then. "Spencer, you know I love you," I start, taking a shaky breath, "But we have to take this slow." Spencer nods, wrapping his arms around himself. "When we get inside I need to see your arms," I try to keep my voice stable, but I failed horribly. Spencer steps to the side, and I go up to the door and unlock it. Once we're inside I place my bag by the door, and lock it behind us. I head over to the couch, Spencer standing up on the opposite side of the coffee table. He was clearly uncomfortable and didn't know where to sit. I pat the seat next to me, and then scoot over so there's a little more room between us. Spencer sat on one end of the couch, and I sat on the other. I look over at Spencer, waiting for him to show me. He pulls off his blazer. "Please don't hate me," He was sobbing while taking off his blazer. Spencer unbuttons the buttons on each wrist, rolling his sleeves up enough for me to see a few inches past the bend in his elbows. I nodded, pulling my knees to my chest. "Should we talk about the elephant in the room, or should we get the hard part over with?" Spencer asks, and I just shake my head at my ridiculous joke, Don't you mean womb? "What did I say?" He asks, his voice so small. "It wasn't you, I just made a stupid joke to myself," I reassured him, fiddling with the bracelet around my wrist. "I... I need to know what was going through your head after we were kidnapped," I blurt out, knowing this would either make everything better or ten times worse.