Some Things Are Worse Than Death

Chapter Fifteen

A/N: I have ten minutes left of season seven episode four. My power went out so I'm writing this offline until I can get service back

Y/n's POV

Hotch and Reid left before the case was over. Reid had lied about being cleared to return to work, so Hotch suspended him and he's being forced to see a therapist for a few weeks before he can even attempt to redo his psych eval again. Morgan and Rossi arrested the ER doctor, Michael Sullivan. His wife was put on life support after a car accident, and then was brought home to live life as a vegetable. He was trying to piece her back together to bring her back to life, I guess. So, here we were, halfway through the three day drive back to Virginia. Rossi made JJ and Derek take the plane back this time, so he and Emily could drive back  with me. "I don't think he's capable of doing that," Rossi randomly said. Emily and I looked at him in confusion, waiting for a clarification. "Spencer, I don't think he's capable of going out of his way to hurt you again. Honestly, I don't think he'd hurt you even if he had the opportunity," He fills us in, and I shrug while looking out the window. A shuttered breath fills the car, but it didn't sound right. Spencer- Reid's voice takes up the silence that followed the breath, and I realize it's coming from the speakers. He was completely shattered as he spoke. I stare at the radio as if I could see him through the bluetooth touch screen technology. 

"She called me Reid, Hotch. She's never done that before."

"I know, Spence." Hotch?

"I know I fucked up, but did I really fuck up that badly?"

"Yeah, you did. She just wanted to love you. She's scared and hurting too, and she was willing to forgive you and risk her own healing just to be there for you." Yeah, it's Hotch, and per usual, he's right.

"Rossi, is this a call?" I ask him, and he passes me his phone. Sure enough, it was a call with Hotch, and our end was muted. I kept listening, now staring at Rossi's phone. 

"I never wanted to hurt her, I just wanted to protect her."

"You're not like Cat Adams."

"Then why am I thinking like this?"

"As a profiler, or as your friend?" 

"Whatever will help me the most."

"Based on what you said on the station's surveillance audio, it's pretty straight forward. Your first sexual encounter wasn't exactly consensual, and you were forced to initiate it. Physically, you enjoyed it. Morally, you didn't. Your mind is at war between the two. Until you have a healthy sexual experience you're going to continue to be at war with yourself. Abuse victims seek out the same relationships they're most familiar with. They know it's wrong and unsafe, but they continue to do it anyways."

"Hotch, what are you trying to tell me?"

"Get your head out of your ass, and let her love you. Stop lying to yourself and everyone around you about your relationship being wrong because of some age gap that doesn't even matter. You're scared of turning into Amanda Harless and Cat Adams, when really you're fighting the urge to seek out comfort in the trauma you experienced."

"How do I fix this?" 

"First and foremost, continue with your therapy. Other than that? You have several people to apologize to."