(A/N - sorry i haven't written in forver. Been going through some real shit. Writers curse, as some call it. Im back, and stil, as always, little motivation. But i thought i should give something.)
(This is first person POV from Soap)
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My hand squeezed tightly around the cross that hung from the metal loosely tied around my neck. The cold, sharp ends poking and pushing into the skin of my palms, i swear it could cut through and bleed.
Why do i feel this way? Staring at my Lieutenant, the flustered feeling rushing through my skin, causing my stomach to fill with butterflies, their wings fluttering. Its not normal. Im a man. Hes a man. Its not supposed to be this way, yet my head spins when im around him, my face heats up and i can just about imagine how red my face is. I must've done something truly horrible for the lord to curse me into feeling this way. Ive sinned.
I watch as his eyes glance over to me. Seeing me like this, i feel pathetic. A wave of embarrassment flowing over me, and suddenly im ashamed,and look away. I shoulf be. This isnt normal. I should be punished.
It started so long ago, has only grown stronger. My attraction to him makes no sense to me. I don't understand why i feel this, yet never have felt it for a woman. I was created to marry a woman, a female, a lady, a girl. Care for her and impregnate her with my children. Have a family. None of it would work with a man, a male, a lord, a boy.
"Johnny?"
That voice snapped me out from spiralling again. From the deep grumble of the voice, i recognised it as my Lieutenants. Ghost. L.T. Or, for a chance, Simon. But that feels to intimate to call him, far too much as of now, when i feel this way. It just feels wrong.
Once i gathered my thoughts, i finally responded, in a calm and collected tone. Or, i hoped so atleast.
"Sorry, sir. Blanked out" I replied, with a much shakier voice than intended. My grip tightening on the cross deep in my palm.
I felt so stupid responding like that. Why did i have to get so nervous? Why am i nervous? I shouldnt be nervous. I dont like him. I-
"You're holding onto that cross for dear life. Whats going on in that head of yours, Johnny?" The man spoke, cutting my thoughts short. I wasnt sure whether to be thankful or not.
I then processed what he actually said, amd quickly let go of the pendant, and stuffing it back in my shirt. It also only processed now how much my hand stung from holding it so tight, the edges leaving indents in my palm.
"Nothing, sir. Just lost in thought, forgot i was holding it." I knew it was a terrible excuse, but its all i could muster up. My damned voice was getting wobbly again as i grew more flustered. My eyes finally noticing his features. It confused me more, as i couldnt even see his features. Ghost covers up his face with a mask, and his body with the fabric of his clothing. I cant even see a slither of his skin, and yet, im lost in his eyes. My heart thumps in my chest.
"Alright... you know you can talk to me anytime, aye?" The Lieutenant spoke. Despite how cold and intimidating his voice may be, i could hear the care and concern in his tone. I could see it in his eyes. Could feel it in his aura.
"Yes. I know. And, im thankful for that.. but swear, im good." I confirmed, my voice finally calmed fully and i was pleased to be speaking like a normal human being and not like some scared little girl. Though, if only i was a girl. Or, maybe if he was. My feelings would be justified.
"Oh, before i forget, you wanna spar later? Or, train together? I was gonna train by myself, but you came to mind." He offered with a soft tone.
I stared at him for a moment, a little suprised. Though quickly remembering its nothing special, and its just because we're close. Quickly nodding in response once i thought about it enough. "What time?"
"Eh, sometime later. Ill message when im ready, I'd say sometime in about 3 hours. Ive got a few things until im free. That good?" His tone so gentle. His eyes the same softness.
"Yeah, thatll do. Anything else you wanna tell me?" I asked
(i swear ill finish this later, im so damm tired
