I might never had started to write this down if only one thing in my life would have gone different.
But it went as it went and here I am, sacrifizing my time for you to get the chance of a view into my life.
It's hard to get the point where it all began at, probably because it's already 2 a.m. and I should be sleeping deeply at this point.
Levi told me that staying awake night after night would be unhealthy and considering he himself has to take pills against his insomnia my all nighters are slowly getting out of control. There is an understanding worry in his gaze everytime he catches me sitting awake in the dark and doing nothing but counting the leafs of the trees outside the window. Even now that he is for sure sleeping like a rock I am afraid to be caught being awake just because I do my best to not worry him anymore.
He has lost family, too. I am not the only one.
But I will start from the beginning.
It all started on a wonderful saturday evening this summer.
I was visiting Armin in hospital wearing my oh so practiced smile to make my best friend cheer up a bit. The sun had danced through the softly flowing curtains and enlightened the blonde to a point were I was almost able to forget his sickness. To forget the cancer destroying him and forget about the light blue grade his porcellain skin had turned into.
It was the last day I saw him alive.
The last time his stupid jokes made me laugh in slight desperation.
The last hours the above had decided to let me be together with my little dork.
Ten hours later he was dead. Taken away in his sleep with his lungs given up and a stuttering heart.
To say I felt heartbroken would be underestimating my deep brotherly love to Armin Arlert.
To say I wanted to follow him instead was not. Since Mikasa ran away age 15 to be allowed to be with her punkish boyfriend, Armin had been all I had left. At this time Levi had not been there in my life. At that point he had still been in the psych ward recovering from his own misery.
And at that point nobody stopped me from swallowing all the pills I could find at home and since Armin has had to swallow a lot of pain killers even in his times at home I was pretty sure to have been successfull in killing myself that night.
Later on Hanji told me that I would indeed have died there weren't it for my cousin to come around finding me uncunscious on the floor of my bedroom.
I remember refusing to talk to Jean for a long time after I got woken up at the hospital. Not only because he saved my life but also because he always had been Armins not so secret boyfriend and I couldn't stand being remembered of Ar.
Because of my suicide attempt I was forced to stay at their psych ward for at least 4 weeks to make sure I wouldn't just go try and kill myself the next time.
Looking back it makes me feel thankful for all of them being so patient and strict towards me when I was in one of my less good moods.
And because they kind of made my relationship with Levi possible.
It tookless than a week for me to influence his behaviour without even trying to. Considering Levi had major OCD and insomniac behaviour nobody expected him to bound with a short-tempered, depressed and sensitive three-years-younger male, but it seems that I had worried him enough to loosen up his addictions.
Hanji, my therapist in law until today, once told me that our relationship was evolving on a fast and barely normal basis but I have to disagree; we weren't even near fucking each other senseless when we got out there and had barely kissed at all.
"It evolved on a emotional basis I still want to exermine one day, bright-eyes!", was Hanjis comment.
The time under supervision brought back my emotional stability and calmed the thundering hurricane inside me.
Sure had I been frustrated not being able to help my best friend, I still am.
But they taught me how to handle those short phases of utter self-hate and anger until I was even able to talk to Jean again.
Memories of Levi lying in front of me with my arms around his slender figure are flooding my mind whenever I look at him now. I had helped him soothing out his frustration with not being able to get things done right (In his opinion. It mostly got caused by dirty places he had seen or even himself having to eat) and he would hold me quietly whenever I was sobbing and cring in agony, trying to scrabbing of my skin, to flee.
My time at Psych Ward had gained me a life.
And I get mesmerized every oncoming day.
By the feline playful walk Levi's.
By his barely-there smiles when he can't quiet express how happy and glad he actually feels.
But also by the way he scolds me for leaving the pan dirty in the sink or me falling asleep on the couch at ungodly hours.
Sometimes he will call me "his batman", whilst smirking his mocking smile and seeing the pout appear on my face.
He smiled more often the longer we were a couple.
About two months after we had gotten dismissed and moved into our own appartment, Levi decided to get a pet which surprised me a lot since pets meant more work for him to clean up. But he said he'd be fine so we got a very cuddly light-brown patterned Husky with cold yet incredibly emotion-filled blue eyes.
( When I wanted to name him Harry Levi had glared at me: "He has fucking blue eyes, brat and I for sure won't have him named after a fictional character and a member of a band I deeply hate" )
When we finally agreed on a name the seasons had changed and Haru was no puppy anymore.
But even without his clumsiness and naive behaviour Haru sometimes was the only one to truly cheer us up if we both were near to relapse (or relapsed) and not able to talk to each other without getting too emotional.
Eventually 6 years passed until now.
Eventually we had gotten engaged,married even and none of us is a virgin anymore.
And eventually we had passed the point in life where our past got locked away forever.
But eventually Mikasa had been found dead in a valley two towns away and they had called Levi (appearently her own family left) and it had opened the careful locked locks of our souls and minds again.
But we also were able to handle such a situation better.
I knew how to sooth Levi's fear of being the cause of her death somehow and of diseasing me and he distracted me from harming myself in any way. Compared to the first time we had fallen it was nothing but a normal time of recovering from the death of a family member.
And it made us grow together even more.
I seriously don't know who I would be without my Levi anymore, in the most positive ways possible.
And I don't know how I got the idea to just write this whole letter but it helps me. Somehow it soothes my running thoughts and, oh I guess I woke up Levi.
However, I don't care if anyone reads this letter anytime soon or at all.
But I will throw it into the ocean tomorrow, secured in a glass bottle and hope that if someone finds it, it will make you hope; Hope to be able to recover from whatever you are suffering from.
Because I would not sit here in the dark with my lover's arms slung around my waist while he whines about getting me to sleep had I not recovered.
And I can assure you, he is all I will ever want to make my life worth the struggle I had to go through,
Eren Ackerman-Jäger
