Family Lies 2

Bag Lady

Tré

"Insecure," I gave a short answer as I looked away from Kaneesha and out of the big wet window in her office. It had the perfect view of the New York City skyline even in the midst of this dreary rainy day. "I find it hard to believe that you feel insecure in your relationship with Nicci, Tré. While I understand what you've experienced with your birth mother and your aunts and your older siblings, every time we talk about Nicci and every time we've had a couple's session you two seem delightful. You've both admitted to having disagreements and even infidelities, but you both told me that you barely ever argue. Unless you didn't tell me the truth." My eyes flew back to my therapist. "We ain't lie. We don't argue. Maybe I should have been a little more specific, I think she thinks I'm insecure in our relationship."

Kaneesha shook her head. "We've talked about your habit of assuming and jumping to conclusions, Tré. Unless you enjoy wandering around in those anxious thoughts in that idle mind of yours— which I don't believe you do— you have got to stop assuming you know how the world feels about you. Especially your lover. If Nicci comes home from work everyday wearing a smile and ready to get lost in you, assuming that she's lying about anything is a waste of time and energy unless she's giving you actual reasons to think otherwise. Or unless... you actually are insecure about your relationship. Are you?"

I took a deep breath as I crossed one leg over the other. "I don't feel like it's the relationship. I just feel like it's me."

"You feel insecure about yourself as an individual?" I just nodded as I crossed my arms and stared at my foot.

"Okay. And how long have you felt insecure within yourself?"

I shrugged again. "A real long time. Since I was a lil girl."

"Would it be safe to say you probably first felt insecure when you realized your Aunt Dollie would never show you love like she would for Mahzya?"

"Probably, yeah."

"Okay... how about this. I want you to describe how that insecurity evolved from your childhood up until this point in your life. Tell me about the very first time you just didn't feel... right. And tell me how you dealt with that uneasiness."

I shrugged and shook my head. "It wasn't so bad at first. Dollie hated me and I thought I'd seen hate before... with Dottie and Irving. But after a while you know... it did start to hurt. Cuz she loved Mahzya like she was her world. She became all I had— and still I had nothing. So I started telling myself that I didn't have to love her because loving her hurt so bad. And then Raymond saw me and I felt like he was everything she wasn't. And he became... a crutch. I could lean on him and all of a sudden... I didn't have to give a damn about Dollie and her bullshit. And I would let him do anything to me just because he would say he loved me and I believed him. Because as far as I knew at the time... he was the only person in my life who never hurt me. And I thought it was real even though I knew nobody else would understand. Crazy part about it... in all of my life... I'd never felt so sure about anything else," I shook my head while knocking tears from my face with the back of my wrist. "But when Marilyn came and told me that he used to do the same things with her... and treat her the same and tell her the exact same things... and everybody around me started looking at me like I was some kinda charity... I started realizing that it wasn't as simple as other people not understanding... but that it was wrong. And I felt wrong. And I felt like the little girl Dollie hated all over again."

"And how did that make you feel?" Kaneesha asked while handing me a tissue. "Mad as hell. At myself... at Mahzya... at God. I didn't feel like I had a purpose in life except to be there for my little sisters. That's why I still got Jam."