my solace | kagehina

i'd go through all the trouble

🍊☀️🌻
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🫐🌑🪻

Kageyama Tobio

I wasn't in love with her. I never knew the true meaning of love because I never experienced it. The closest I got to the feeling was possessing something. I wanted her to myself--pretty, talented, and gentle Riri--but she wouldn't behave. She wouldn't settle in my lap and take everything I had to offer.

Then, she went and ran off with another guy, and I felt the numbness I had lived with my whole life double on my shoulders. I found myself thinking...

Well, he certainly doesn't deserve you if I don't.

... And I killed him for trying to taint your purity, then, you killed yourself to get back at me. Not that I cared anymore about you after the fact. You left me, and that betrayal was enough to revert me back to the unresponsive fake businessman my parents raised me to be.

I knew I'd never find love. I'd never find light again. I'd be trapped in this dark box my parents stuffed me in for the rest of my life, letting them rock me around and beat me to fit inside.

I didn't think I'd ever be a whole person, not like my big sister, who found the love of her life, who owns a successful company, and who is expecting a child soon. I wouldn't ever have what she does.

That's what I thought, yet... You broke into my box and let me see sunshine for the first time in my life. I didn't like the idea of you coming, of another therapist coming to pry into my mind, but you took your time with me, laughed with me, and showed me you weren't just here to help me, but you wanted to be my friend, as well.

You didn't just show me love, a feeling so foreign to me, you are love.

My urge to possess you and have that love all for myself is strong, but it's different. I want to treat you softly, just as you have to me. I want to hold your hands, go on walks, and share a home together. I want to love you, too, and touch you.

Make you mine in every sense of the word, but I'm not sure how to go about it, so I tread carefully, observing your every reaction to what I do, and I follow a certain path that I'm lying down where there's nothing but go-aheads and green lights.

Ensuring you'll fall for me, just like I have you.

How I feel is something that can't be helped. Shouyou, you've helped me through a dark time of numbness and drowsiness, and you've woken me up to a whole new side of this fuck-all world. You know how to take care of others, and you genuinely want to. You take the time to observe them and figure out how to treat them and help them out of their mind.

That's why, I'll treat you just as kindly. When I'm out of here, I'll find whichever fucktard hurt you and I'll make him pay. I'd never blame you for being absent because of an accident, no matter how much I hate to have you away from me.

If I want to make a life with you, I need to leave this asylum, which means I need to show top marks on my tests and behave just as all the other staff, and when the time is right, I'll have my parents bail me out when my name is cleared.

I'll live with Shouyou after that, and give him a taste of all the great things that come with being the unwanted child of a business-ran family.

I'll tell Shouyou of the pain I've suffered through, and how it all built up within me and ended up forcing me to lash out against someone. Something so heartbreaking as that would make him feel sympathetic toward me. That's a good place to start.

Starting today, I'll be society's definition of normal.

-----

"Tobio, do you want to go outside today? The wind feels amazing."

Shouyou's packing away the cards when he mentions taking a venture out to the yard. I stand from the couch with a groan, making my way over to him.

In comparison to me, he's undeniably small, his thick curly hair barely reaching my shoulder, yet his presence is immense and unforgettable. It's similar to traveling into a large forest, knowing you're bound to get lost in it, but the sense of adventure drives you forward nonetheless.

His presence drowns me, and I willingly tie my limbs together amidst the waves. That precious scent of cherry and citrus, the scent of a home I never had until I met him, and the lovely sparkles in his doe eyes, the same ones that stare up at me now, patiently awaiting my answer to his question.

The hand I have on his shoulder slinks around his collarbone, holding him in a half-hearted embrace with his back against my chest. He says nothing.

"What'll we do out there? Stick our tongues out like dogs? Chase the wind? Pfft, want me to put a collar on you, too?"

My teasing makes his face flush up to his ears. Since I've confessed how I felt about the murder and suicide, and how much I loved Riri to him, I've found that we've grown closer. Close enough for me to realize that Shouyou's very, very easy to tease.

Unlucky for him, though, I wasn't entirely teasing about the collar. He really would look beautiful with a collar around his neck, tagged with my name on it.

Only the best for Shouyou.

"Stop- Stop teasing me. Geez. If you don't want to go, then I'll go eat lunch outside on my own, then. Like a dog."

Another thing I've noticed since we've grown closer is that... Shouyou knows he can tug me around, at least to some extent. That's good. He's realizing he has some unconscious connection to me, which I can manipulate to my liking. As long as he's actively bonding with me, I have no reason to worry.

"Mmh..." I removed myself from his body and took the box of cards from his hands to place them on the shelf. "Let's both be dogs, then. What's on the menu?"

"Not sure. We'll have to find out when we get to the cafeteria," he hums. I make a move to grab his hand as he walks toward the door, but his phone goes off, and he moves his hand to dig into his pocket.

"Hello?"

"Shouyou, we need you downstairs. There's a new patient who won't accept any of the other physical therapists, and he's throwing a fit. He says they're too arrogant. You're our last hope. Please, can you come down?"

Fuck, I heard it all. Shouyou's already grabbing his jacket and clipboard and gazing at me with apologetic eyes.

I urge him to go, albeit not without reluctance. This is our precious time together that's being wasted, but, no matter. When I leave this place, I'll take him into my arms and he won't be able to go out unless I give him the go-ahead.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be down as soon as I can."

He doesn't seem particularly happy about the interruption either, genuine disappointment resting on his features. Whether that's because he has to miss lunch because people can't do their fucking jobs right or because he doesn't get to spend more time with me, I'm not so sure.

"I don't know how to apologize, Tobio." His voice carries the weight of his sadness in it. "I'll make this up to you, somehow, I promise."

"I know you will," I answer him honestly, "You always keep your word. Be careful with your ankle, and... If you find yourself waiting for the night nurse again, you're always welcome to wait in here."

"Haha, thanks, Tobio. I'll remember that. See you later?"

"Yeah, see you around, Shouyou."

And, like a paper airplane in the wind, he's gone. I'll be the one to ensnare him in the branches of a tree, though. I'll make sure he will always, always come back to me. Love isn't what these fucking bastards all around us think. It's about keeping your home close to you. Impossibly so, and sharing affection between each other, even if it takes a little time for the other to reciprocate.

I'll make him fall for me when I get in contact with my parents and leave this place in a month. Then, we can live together in a big house, and I can shower him with all my love.

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