Going, Going, Gone. [phanfiction]

... Gone.

Dear Dan,
I'm sorry it's been a week again, but I don't really know what's been happening in my head recently. It's a blur of tears, darkness, and no sleep. I feel like someone's stirred up my brain with a spork, and then dumped it back in in the wrong places. Nothing seems straight, but that may be my desperation to be with you.
That's okay though, because I will be soon. Right now, as I write, a collection painkillers sit in front of me. There's quite a lot, Dan, I'm scared. Does it hurt to die? Is it quick? Does your whole life flash before your eyes, like in books and movies? I hope it does.
Mum has gone out shopping, so I am home alone at the moment, which is good. I have written a letter to mum to explain everything, but I still feel horrendous for what I'm leaving her with. She'll get home from shopping to find me dead. She thinks I'm getting over you, but she's wrong, I'm only acting. I think it's probably impossible. Maybe she'll find these letters one day and understand. I hope so.
I don't know if I'm excited or nervous about seeing you, but I tell myself that whatever happens is bound to be better than this. My heart aches constantly, day and night, so I think seeing you will cure it.
I posted a video onto YouTube today, talking about you, so hopefully everyone will see how upset I am. I didn't mention anything about what I'm about to do though.
I have one last thing to write though, just in case I don't get to see you when I'm gone. I want to tell you how much I love you. Enough of this 'no homo' crap, I love you, Dan. Not just as a friend. I have always wanted to tell you how I felt but I know that you would never feel the same. Also, thank you so much for changing my life. God knows where I'd be now without you. I'd probably have quit YouTube years ago and got a real job and a wife and children, but I'm glad you were an over-obsessed fan, because you made my life what it is today.
I love you, Dan. Hopefully I will see you soon, because I'm talking the pills right now.
Love From Phil xxx