Confiscated Despairs | Jiminjeong

eleven - i'll find you. (!TW)

Winter

The dim lights of the bar cast long shadows on the cold marble floor as I walked in, my heart heavy with pain. I had tried everything to find Karina, but every lead turned into a dead end. My phone had been buzzing with calls from Ning and the others, but I needed to be alone, if only for a little while.

I approached the bar and climbed onto a stool, the world's weight pressing down on my shoulders. The bartender, a middle-aged man with a kind face, gave me a concerned look.

"What can I get for you, miss?"

"Something strong," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. "Whiskey, neat."

He nodded and quickly poured a glass, sliding it across the bar to me. I took it and stared at the amber liquid for a moment before taking a long, burning sip. 

The alcohol pierced down my throat, distracting me from the pain in my heart. Even if it was just for a moment.

The bar was relatively empty, just a few people scattered around, lost in their own worlds. I downed the rest of my drink and gestured for another. The bartender obliged, still watching me with the same concerned expression.

"Rough night?" he asked, trying to make small talk.

"You could say that," I replied bitterly. "Lost someone important."

He nodded knowingly, as he immediately went to get a iPad from a drawer, he knew just the song to play. Eyes, Nose, Lips by Taeyang. 

"Alcohol won't bring them back, you know."

"I know," I sighed, still halfly smiling as I heard the song play through the speakers. "But it numbs the pain, at least for a little while."

I sipped my drink slowly, my mind replaying every moment I've spent with Karina, every failed attempt to find her, every argument with her, every little moment, I just realized how much she meant to me. 

That's when the song exactly aligned in with my thoughts.

♫ Cause your eyes, nose, lips. It haunts my memory, I can't forget you if I tried. 

Your hand that touched me, even to the small fingertips..

I can still feel it. Like an extinguished flame. ♫

The image of her terrified face haunted me, I blamed myself for not being able to save her in time, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I blinked them away, refusing to break down in front of strangers.

As the hours passed, I continued to drink, the world around me growing blurrier with each glass. I wanted to drown out the voices in my head, the guilt, the fear, the anger. But no matter how much I drank, the pain remained, a constant reminder of my failure.

♫ My selfishness that couldn't let you go

Turned into an obsession that imprisoned you. Were you hurt because of me? You just sit silently

Why am I a fool? Why can't I forget you?

You're already gone. ♫

Eventually, the bartender placed a hand on my shoulder. "I think you've had enough for tonight, miss. How about I call you a cab?"

I shook my head, struggling to focus on his face. "No, I can... I can manage."

I stumbled off the stool, nearly losing my balance. The bartender caught me, his grip firm but gentle. "Seriously, let me call you a cab. You shouldn't be out alone in your condition."