Thoughts about us

Wednesday, 12 june 2024

I'm still chasing feelings that I can't understand. I am trying my best to move on, a part of me want to move on from you, to forget you and all of my feelings for you, but an other part never want to move on and keep believing in us, never want to forget you or forget the way you make me feel, and I truly think I will never move on from you, you were the special boy I never dated, every girl have that special boy that they never dated and you are mine, even in 10 years if we meet again and I see you with an other woman I will feel so bad, because why can't you choose me ? You make me feel so bad, not by anything you do purposely, just by ignoring me, I know it's supposed to help me to move on but it just hurt deeply, because when I think about the old us it hurt even more, when I think about how you used to tell me you like me, how you used to tease me with your silly jokes, when we were getting to know each other, now we are like some classmate but I know everything about that classmate. I just wanna stay in bed all day and cry when I think about how close and comfortable we used to be, now we can't even have a conversation just us two, the only times we talk now is when we are with other friends and not only us two like before, never privately, we don't have our own thing, because at some point none could come between us we had our own thing, but little did I know there were an other girl between us all along. I just wanna feel your love again, have that whole attention again, I wanna feel how it is to be stared at as if I was the only person in that crowd room like you used to do, I wanna feel that I am your only and first choice, I remember how I used to think this and the feeling of floating, I wanna feel it again, I want those butterflies back. But any time you laugh about something I said (bc it still happens some times) I can still see that your smile is different, there is something else, your eyes don't close the same way, your lips don't grow the same way, not like it does with anyone else, maybe I am being delusional (lol) but I can see something different with me (delulu asf). You will always be MY boy, none can tell you what I want to tell you, I am craving for all of your attention on me again, for your touch. You will always have a special place in my heart deeply, I will never totally give up on you, and when I think about the end of high school, after senior year when our path will be separated I just know I will never hear of you again and there will be no any hope left, and I don't want this, this is my biggest fear, I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose your person, you are the most genuine person I have right now, or at least what I have left of you, please just tell me that we will be fine and we will keep in touch, because I don't want a future if you are not in it, I want you in my plans and I hope I am in yours too..