Better Late Than Never

08

"If all had gone well, you would have been making plans to celebrate your first wedding anniversary with Ibrahim on Sunday...I know it's crossed your mind recently. How has it made you feel?"

It was another Friday morning and yet another therapy session for Ayra with Dr Zainab Hashim. Once again, both women had cups of citrus tea and while Zainab's cup was on the top of the coffee table between them, Ayra held hers in her hands and stared at the hot liquid within.

Zainab was right. Following Adil's visit with his cousins to Ibtihaj's family, she – Ayra – had gotten excited to fill out every needed information field Ayneese wanted from their employees before digitally signing the contract that bound her to the brand and sending it back to the recruitment team with a reply email. She'd taken her time reading the code of conduct, not uncomfortable with any rule and regulation.

When she finished and the excitement ebbed away, her mind traitorously reminded her that the anniversary of hers and Ibrahim's wedding was coming up. No matter how hard she'd tried, her mind had spiralled and she had felt so much while remembering as many details as possible; from the first time she'd seen him down to their separation in the mosque at Downtown Aomi. For the first time, she had looked forward to a therapy session just so she could unravel. It hadn't been surprising that Zainab knew the exact topic to tackle.

Exhaling quietly, Ayra raised her head to look at her therapist. "It's made me feel a lot honestly...It popped up in my mind really clearly on Wednesday and I haven't been able to really think of anything else no matter how hard to distract myself."

Zainab stayed quiet, listening. Ayra continued a moment later. "I've felt sad, nostalgic, a little heart broken, and then I've gone through a lot of what ifs. It's been a rollercoaster."

She returned her line of sight to her tea. "I thought about every moment that involved Ibrahim; right from the very first time I saw him in our second living room. I thought about our engagement, our wedding, everything that happened before July and then everything that happened after July. I thought about our separation and then about all that happened since then."

She paused briefly. "I've taken it one day at a time and I've even gotten a job but when the thought of the anniversary came up, I wondered what Ibrahim's been doing and how he's been. I know he's launched The Leilani Foundation but that's about it. I don't know anything else with how quiet he's been and honestly? I was tempted to look him up yesterday just to know." She let out a small, dry laugh. "I don't know what that says about me."

"That you're human, Ayra." Zainab said softly. She smiled when Ayra raised her head. "It says that you're human. Like I told you in the previous session we had, this is a man you loved for years of your life. Despite all that happened, you can't just put off the love switch in one day, one week, or even one month. It is a process and many times, even more than you'd want to admit, you will fumble and backtrack and that's okay. At the end of the day, you are human and you need to give yourself some grace. Give yourself some liberty."

Ayra's vision blurred with tears and she had to lower her head once again. Smiling a bit sadly, Zainab continued. "You not giving into the urge to look him up is you being way stronger than you think, Ayra, and that's a very big feat so many other people would not have been able to achieve. You did that and I'm proud of you although there's a very high chance the last thing you feel about yourself is proud."

Ayra bit down on her lower lip, the weight of the truth of each of Zainab's words hitting her deep.

"The first anniversary following a divorce always stings the most, especially in a case like yours where you both didn't even stay married to reach it." Zainab told her. "The important part is allowing yourself feel yourself what you have to; reminding yourself that you left the marriage for good reason and that little by little, no matter how long it's going to take, you will be okay. And knowing you, Ayra, I have absolutely no doubt that you will be okay."