i love you, i'm sorry

chapter one

There were certain days you knew you'd remember for the rest of your life, down to every minute detail. The first time you rode a bike without training wheels, or a particularly good Christmas, your first kiss, first heartbreak, most firsts, really. The first time you come home from college and find yourself trapped in a car with your ex-boyfriend who you haven't seen in six months. Your ex-boyfriend who you dated for four years, and shared every first imaginable with. Your ex-boyfriend who you broke up with over email.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, I was going to remember today for the rest of my life.

It was why I preferred the nothing days. The days that passed without a single noteworthy moment, blending together in a haze of familiarity and consistency and wonderful wonderful sameness. Days with no expectations. I would kill for one of those right about now.

To understand exactly how I got myself in this predicament we have to travel back two days, a mere forty-eight hours ago, when I made possibly one of the stupidest decisions I've ever made. Well sort of...To really understand how I got myself in this predicament, we'd have to travel back forty years to Country Day Primary School, but who had the time for that? So we'll stick with two days.

Two days ago, I was sitting safely inside my dorm at UC Berkeley when I received a call from my mother. One thing important to know about me is that I was powerless against the wants of my mom. Piper Gordon was not only one of the most persuasive people in the world, but she was also my favorite person in the world. She was my rock. My hero. It had been just the two of us for my whole life. My parents divorced when I was only three, and my dad moved to New Zealand with his girlfriend when I was six and has lived there ever since. He has three kids now. He'll call on my birthday every now and then, but our relationship was more like that of distantly related cousins.

I wasn't too concerned with it. My mom made sure of that. She had always been everything I needed and more.

Which meant when she called, I picked up. And when she asked me to do something, I struggled to say no.

"Jujubee," she hummed when I picked up the phone, voice like honey. I warmed at the sound of it.

"Hey, mom," I said, packing my pencil bag. I had a class in half an hour. "What's up?"

"Remind me what day you're coming home," she replied.

"Late next Wednesday, Mom, I texted you last week."

We only got a four day weekend break for Thanksgiving, and it was an eight hour flight, and then at least a half hour drive from Charlottesville to Lovingston, my tiny hometown. But flying was expensive, especially with surge holiday pricing, and San Francisco was expensive, and I didn't know if it was worth it for like two total days with my mom. As much as I missed her, I loved the city. Not to mention, I wasn't exactly itching to go home to the town where everyone knew everyone's business. The town where— anyways...I was still deciding.

"If I'm coming at all," I reminded her pointedly. "You know I have plans with Axel and a few friends who are staying." Axel was my boyfriend of a month and a half. A junior, and a Bay Area native. He saw me reading Thoreau in a bookstore and asked me out right then. He was also hot. Not that that was important. But you know...it helped.

"Bring him!" Mom exclaimed. "He's more than welcome. I'd love to meet the new guy." I tried very hard not to wince at the word new.

"I don't think we're in that place yet, Mom..." I said. It wasn't that I thought he wouldn't say yes. It was that I could think of nothing I'd rather do less than bring him home. I cringed at the thought of it. "Besides, the flights right now are so expensive. For only a few days too, I just don't see..."