i love you, i'm sorry

chapter four

"Your booth is ready and waiting, Jules," winked Marla, handing both Axel and I menus. Marla was the manager at Gordon's. She'd started out as the hostess when she was in high school, and never left. She used to sneak Gavin and I whatever was in the candy bowl when our mothers weren't looking, and she'd babysat me dozens of times. Now she had her own daughter, Melody, who I could see now perched at the counter in the back, coloring intently. She must be nearly four now.

"Oh— we don't have to—" But it was too late. Marla was pointing and Axel was following. My feet felt like lead as I walked the familiar path to the corner booth, dark mahogany cushions and a slightly crooked table. It had a view of town square and a star sticker on the window that we'd never been able to remove.

"You have your own booth," Axel nodded appreciatively, "very classy, Julia. Is this a perk of being town royalty?"

"More like perks of being the owner's daughter," I laughed shakily, sitting down on my side of the booth. My palms were slick with sweat. It wasn't my booth. It had never been mine. It was our booth. Mine and Gavin's. Where we played intense games of Monopoly and he shamelessly cheated at Go Fish. It was our booth even before Gordon's was Gordon's. We did our homework there quite literally every day. We had food fights and built forts and shot straw wrappers across the table at each other. I would often wake up with the grain of the wood patterned into my skin, having fallen asleep while debating the finer merits of Star Wars movies with Gavin.

Ours. Always ours.

"Nepotism," Axel proclaimed, oblivious to my panic. "Even better." He reached across the table to kiss my hand, "I knew I asked you out for a reason," he teased.

Marla set two waters down, and a mint lemonade in front of me as well.

"Here you are, hon," she said. "Don't worry, the kitchen started your usual as soon as you walked in. Tomato soup and a truffle gruyere grilled cheese is coming your way."

"You remembered," I smiled, mouth already watering.

"Of course I did." Marla turned to Axel, "Now I'm afraid I don't know what you want..." I swallowed hard, tears burning thick and fast in my throat.

"Axel."

"Axel," Marla nodded, "Well I'll give you a moment to think and then just holler." Gavin always ordered the burger, extra crispy onions, NO TOMATO, and a root beer like a freak because he was permanently five years old. I clenched my fists, letting my fingernails curl into my palm until I couldn't take it anymore.

"Good service," Axel noted, stretching back against the booth cushion. He took a swig of his water.

"Mm," I nodded weakly. Marla returned and Axel ordered something. I think some sort of seasonal soup they were doing as a special. I don't know. I couldn't focus.

Unconsciously, my hand drifted under the table. There it was. I carefully traced the letters with my fingertip, 'G + J'. I inhaled. I felt sick.

I shut my eyes and I could see him, see us, sitting beneath the table as he carved our initials into the wood. I could feel his hand laced in mine. I could smell him. Gavin was everywhere. Everywhere in this booth. We were everywhere in this booth.

Him dropping a kiss on my head as he slid into his spot and drawing hearts on the steamed up glass during the winter as we watched the snow fall and kicking his shins under the table as I tried to fight laughter.

It was here, in this booth, where I had first begun to understand that maybe I didn't want to be just best friends with Gavin. Here. All here.

I could see him grinning at me, hear the wonderfully soft and teasing way he said, "Jules."