Karma

37| Ruined

"Karma, what's going on?"

I sat on the edge of the bed as she got up and slipped on her robe. I had a feeling I knew what this was about, but I was praying to God it wasn't that. When she didn't answer, I ran my hand over my face nervously.

"Baby, please let's just--"

"Right there," she snapped, turning towards me. "you keep calling me baby. You haven't called me that since we were together. Why are you doing it now, Nathan?"

Yep. Just as I feared. Frustration and a hint of anger was burning inside of me. Not at her, but at the situation. "You reanny want to talk about this now? Tonight?" I gestured to the dinner I prepared for her.  "We had an amazing night, Karma. Can't we all about this tomorrow and just enjoy this?"

"No, Nathan. We can't." She put her hands to her head. "What am I doing?" She whispered to herself.

"We were fine ten minutes ago. What happened?"

Her eyes met mine and she dropped her hands. "you didn't even realize it, did you?"

What the hell was she talking about? I'll admit, when it came to Karma, I tended to get lost in her. But I didn't think I did something to piss her off. "Realize what?" If she tells me, maybe I could fix it.

"When we were making love, you said, 'I will love you, forever, gorgeous'. Remember now?"

I am. . . such. . . an ASSHOLE! That's what I said to her the night we had sex and I left her alone in a hotel room. I've only said it two time like that --- and this was the second. "Karma, I ---"

"You were going to leave me. Again." She held up her hand when I opened my mouth to speak. "In your defense, I didn't think you were just going to disappear on me, but you were going to tell me that tomorrow we when 'talked', weren't you?"

I finally got up from the bed and put on my gray running pants. So many things were going through my mind right now. Was she right? Was I going to tell her that tomorrow? Did I know that on some subconscious level, and that's why I said that hurtful things to her earlier without realizing it?

"Answer me, Nathan. Tell me the truth!"

"I don't fucking know, Karma!" I shouted back to her. "Fuck! This is all so messed up!"

"What do you want, Nathan?"

"It's not that easy."

"Yes, it is. Either you want me or you don't."

I turned away and tried to get control of my anger. God, I wanted a drink. Or a bottle. I hadn't realized how much I had been dreading this conversation with her. When it all came down to it, I was scared. I was fucking scared shitless of losing her.

"Look at me, Nathan." I turned to her. "Answer the fucking question. Do you want me or not?"

"Of course I do! I'm fucking in love with you. I have been since the beginning. Since that summer I first saw you --- really saw you and we danced together. You had your hair down and you were wearing a red dress with a black pair of high heels. You think I don't remember everything about you because it's been thirteen years?" My voice was going to go hoarse if I didn't stop. "You. . . you are fucking everything to me. You consume my thoughts and my dreams. I can never forget you, Karma. Never!"

Her eyes were filled with ushered tears. "Then why are you so angry? Why can't we just be together?"

I shook my head and attempted to walk away from the situation. I needed to get some air or something. I felt like I was fucking losing it. If I wasn't careful, I could set off a panic attack or blackout. Holy Shit. It just dawned on me that since I've been with Karma again, in Florida and here in New York, I haven't had an attack. I didn't even make it to the door before she stopped me.