Venting Irl Is Too Difficult

My Cries For Help

TW: mentions of Su1c1d3 and S3lf H4rm
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"I need help" I whisper in the hope for someone to hear, but nobody did. "I Need Help!" I repeat myself a little louder, but still nothing...
"I NEED HELP!!" I start to yell at this point but as much as I scream and shout, nobody will help me.. nobody CAN help me.

I want the help, I need the help, but I can't say it loud enough because a part of me is scared, ashamed, and hopeless that nobody can no help me well enough. I can't beg for the help I desperately need and no matter how much I say those three words I'll never be loud enough to be heard. I guess I'll just sit here in my many poor attempts
Where I tried to cry for help

I can't stop thinking about it. Why, why can't I be heard? Why can't my voice be loud enough? Why do I even need help? I'm perfectly fine.!! ..
Shit, there it was- my quiet voice, the voice that caused my cries for help to be hushed... The words "I need help" have always been replaced with "I'm fine, okay?" I'm not fine and I can see now why people can't hear my cries for help, I've given up fully. Nobody can hear me when I need to be heard so there is no point on trying anymore.

The attempts of my cries were always ignored. My mom never took it seriously even if she claimed she did. I don't ask her for help because she scares me when I try to tell her because she yells at me for not coming to her earlier and tells me things that cannot be unheard by me and my already shattered heart, then she cries, tells me that I'll be getting help soon and everything would be okay but she never does anything. All the help I need can't even be received from my friends or girlfriend. They can't help me, They can only tell me they can. It's all clear, my cries for help can't be heard by anybody anymore. I don't think they could've been heard by anybody in the first place, why'd I even try?

My cries for help, they have faded and can't be heard, What do I do? I can't do anything "I need help" is the only thing I want to fucking say but I can't because every time I'm able to get the chance to, I tell lies. It's either "I'm fine, okay?" or the half-truth, the half-truth needs to become whole, but how? The truth about everything is all stuck at the back of my throat or even as close as the tip of my tongue, the truth of the way I think about ending it all, the truth of the fact that I almost HAVE ended it all.

The way I've held a knife to my wrists, or the way I've held pills in my hand, looking down at them or in my mouth almost down my throat or swallowing them but the attempt didn't work. It's the most free I've ever felt, I could ever be! Thinking of the pain going away after my dumb cries for help that have all turned into my poor attempts. It's the most I've ever felt free from the pain I've been through my whole life.
Even after I've been so close to happiness.

Everytime I've tried to let go, I stop myself and repeat my rule; "I've been given life for a reason, and that reason I want to see." I can't help but think though. The reason could be anything, it could be to see how strong you are, if you're able to survive this fucked up world or not. I've always been the strong one, the leader, the one people can look up to, the one people can get help from. I'm the one that gives help, help that people actually need in their life and not just the shitty type of help that people try to give that never works. The advice I give them is mostly accurate, I know because of the things they complain about and ask me for advice about is almost always shit I've been through sometime in my life. I give them the best but I never receive it. It drains me knowing I can't get the help I'm giving them, even if it makes me happy to see them happy because of me and my advice. Advice that I had to gain the hard way instead.
What about me? I'm still here, I need help. "Help me please" What do I do?

I want it to all end! the pain, the suffering, the weak and dumb attempts to cry for help. I keep on trying to hold on, and surprisingly I can even if I'm on a thread of string hanging on with one finger over a pit. What can I do? The pain I go through every day hurts, it hurts more than anything and a type of pain that DOES hurt less than mental pain, is physical pain. Maybe that is something I have to do, something to control myself, to control my thoughts of having more power than I do.

I jump up from my bed and I grab it. I grab the sharpener across my room and frantically look for a screwdriver in my drawer, I get inpatient and grab scissors instead and start swerving around the blade hoping to not dull it as I cut the sharpener into pieces. The blade is finally free from the plastic around it so I grab it. I look at it with eyes of sadness and yet, awe. After staring at it for a bit, I slowly line it up against my thigh, and push down on the Blade, before I can do anything, even move my head up, I just sit there and pause to think for a moment. I think about everything, my life, why I'm in so much pain, why can't I ever be happy, and why can't be normal like everyone else..

Finally, after so much hesitation I look down at the blade on more time. I squeeze my fist tight and moved my hand with the razor across my thigh causing it to be sliced across, leaving shivers down my back. I start crying, the emotions I feel, I'm experiencing, there's more than one. Shaking from the shock of what I had just done, the thing I'd been scared to do, I looked down, watching the blood rise from beneath my skin and for some reason, I looked at it and smiled. I start wiping my tears away from my eyes that will never be as pure as they were before and gain focus again, I line the razor back up again and I cut. I do it again and again creating a bigger smile on my face and more tears down my cheeks, but also making it easier to bring myself to cut every time I bring the razor to my thigh.

Ever since the first day, I've done it, I've never hesitated to do it all over again. Physical pain is better than mental pain. Finally, I found something to do, something to help myself cope I've only ever thought about ending it all since instead of almost taking action.

After I finished, I wipe the blood away with a wet rag and think about what I did and the fact I accomplished finding a coping mechanism and a distraction! that is something I thought I could never actually succeed in. This could also be a cry for help! A way of saying the 3 words I've been needing to say for so long without actually saying it. I didn't mean for it to end up like this but here I am, I feel like nobody even noticed. Can someone please notice? I need my call for help to work
"Help me please"

My smile of pride quickly turns into a look of disgust and disbelief, Wait.. what am I doing? This isn't a cry for help! Or at least the one I was longing for. "Help me please" those three fucking words are still there and unable to be said. It's not gone yet and I want it to be, my pain, my sadness, my loss in hope, everything. I can't believe I thought my problems were fixed but the razor against my thigh just helps me numb the pain, the pain I don't wanna feel or live through and thought I could ignore. That was a dumb thought, just like I thought I could cry for help.

In the silly attempts of crying for help is as soon as my friends find out I cut myself but I play it off as a silly joke and laugh at it like it's not a problem that I'm hurting myself, but deep down I'm struggling to even stay alive at this point. I feel they don't know what happens behind the door I cut myself. The way I do it, the tears I cry and how they fall down my face, the blade I use or even how I use it. Nobody will know what happens behind that fucking door, and as much as I like that they don't, I kind of wish they did so they know the pain I'm going through and I can actually get the help I've been crying forever to receive from someone.

"Help Me Please!" The Voice keeps getting louder, all I wanna do is give up on everything... Even my stupid cry for help. what do I do at this point? All I do is scream and cry almost every night while slashing lines across my thighs one after another making sure they all bleed and going back over them if they don't. What did I do to myself..? What DO I do to myself? I want to stop it all. Why can I leave this world if I can't be happy? That's what life is about right...

I hate to admit it, but I don't know what life is about because I've never fully lived it like a normal person! I've been trapped in my mind the whole time. Someone, please tell me what do I do. I've been asking this whole time and the only answer that I've been given is nothing.

So I can't do anything? I've given up.. Actually, I gave up a while ago. I can't shout out my cries for help, not anymore, or maybe I never could. I guess I can say this is my cry for help because I know deep down, I really do want someone to read this. I need help. help me please, listen to my Cry for help. I need you too, someone?