Venting Irl Is Too Difficult

Painting

TW: mentions of Selfharm
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I remember when I was younger I loved to paint. Painting made me feel at peace. I always painted in the biggest canvas I could find so it was harder to fill up. I would use the smoothest brushes so the paint always showed smoothly on the canvas. I would make sure to finish off by covering it with paint sealer so it didn't chip so in everybody else's eyes it looks the same. Painting was my favourite hobby, I loved it so much.

Even if I'm older now, I still like to paint. All though, it's different now. When I paint, I prefer to do it when nobody is around and when it's quiet. I don't paint as a hobby anymore, it's more of a coping mechanism. That's not everything about it that's different though, it's the looks too. The canvas, brush, and sealer are unrecognizable if you put the old and new side by side.

I don't really like to show people my art because whenever I tried to they either end up getting mad or crying. I don't really like to look at it myself either, it proves that I'm weak.

My mama always check to see if I made new paintings, luckily for me I know how to hide them. The sealer I use fully covers my paintings and makes them invisible. It's annoying though because everyday I have to replace it.

The canvas I use is getting full and I'm struggling to find new places to paint without my mama seeing them if I don't have the sealer on. I can't replace the canvas either, I can only add new paintings on the one canvas till it can't take it all anymore.

Sometimes the paintbrush I use isn't as smooth as I want it to be. If it doesn't work how I want, I have to go back over my previous movements so I can actually see the colour on the canvas. I always have to hide my brush after I paint though, or else my mama would take it away and throw it out. She doesn't like when I paint.

Looking back now, painting has gotten more difficult than before. I never had to replace the sealer everyday, I could always get a new canvas if I ran out of space, and my paintbrush was always smooth enough to show all of the colour I want it to.

The new way of painting isn't for everyone, people sometimes make fun of others for doing it too. I've felt ashamed of my art for the longest time. I felt this way until my friend saw them and did something that I would never forget. to my surprise, they looked down and started to slowly rolled up their sleeve. They then looked up at me and into my eyes and smiled and said  3 words something .. "I paint too."