I RELAPSED AGAIN

Destiny was my friend's name

<3

I made a friend once. That friend was special to me. That friend was depressed just like me but one thing about that friend I couldn't understand is how enchanted i was by their beauty.

I love seeing beauty, I would pay to see beauty and to feel it, but the beauty that this friend had was different..they were not liked by many people because people thought this friend of mine was ugly.

This friend had a lot of acne, no body weight and their voice sounded like they were dying or probably been smoking since they were born, they smelt like death and a stack of old hot garbage. Their eyes were always red and hanging from tiredness with eye bags around them, their lips were red and pale, they had scars all over their wrists and legs.

If you were a different person from me and you were standing probably at anywhere ordinary people stand going on about your day and this person passes by minding their own business you would just instantly see yourself as the luckiest person on earth cause your not them.

But I somehow see them as beauty. First time I talked to this friend or let me just say everytime anyone would talk to them they would always make sure to place a smile on their face. Always. That always surprised me cause no one ever said anything nice to them.

Me and this friend became close, more close than I've ever been with anyone. They knew me, They knew my flaws and sins and dint care, this friend became the world to me..everything I thought of always had to be them, I felt completed and happy because of this friend. I even got on my knees to thank god for bringing this beautiful person in my life.

The beauty i saw in this friend was not from the outside, but from time to time as i got to know them, i could also see the beauty from the outside that no one else could see. They were the most generous, kind hearted and exceptionally flawless in my eyes. Everything they did was beautiful to me, every sound, every movement they made was art to me. They moved and lived with so much peace and harmony i myself couldn't even understand it.

This friend always makes sure your never sad, they were kind and caring. Their heart was so pure and beautiful than anything I have ever seen. Having their heart in your hands would be like holding the world in your bare hands or holding all your dreams trying not to extinguish them.

But..this friend betrayed me in a way that made me lose myself. This friend dint think about how broken they would make me, they dint think about my heart and how lost I would be after doing what they did to me. The friend made me lose my mind and my worth in just one day, where all the beauty i saw vanished into thin air like it never existed.

I kept calling them the whole day but with no answer, my day at school was not peaceful knowing that the most important person in my life was not present and they were not answering my calls. My insecure ass thought maybe they started hating me since I opened my whole self to them.

I walked to their house to find no one, my mind was overthinking every negative thought that existed in my head to where they might be. I dint do anything wrong, I have been the special friend I could possibly be to them

Then whats wrong?

The day before, I made sure to make them happy, everything was perfect..we were both happy, as always.

As soon as I walked inside my room, there my friend was.. laying lifelessly in their own blood. My whole body stopped functioning at that moment, all i could do was replay all the memories we made together. I've always blamed myself for their death, only if i was enough, only if i was all they wanted maybe i could've saved their life. I slowly walked closer to the lifeless body that was once my best friend with a heart i couldn't feel beating and my broken soul that also couldn't hang on anymore.

There my best friend was, pale grey black skin, in their usual grey coat and dirty brown hair placed in a bun as always. The hands of the coat were pulled up so the wrist could show, the cuts were different from before, they were more open and more..more blood was coming out. They were wearing their favorite pajamas shorts that now were red with blood. everything was red, red was everywhere and all i could feel was me becoming the person i was before. Everything i lived for was now dead.

I walked closer to the body and layed down next to my friend inside their blood. I knew they were eventually going to end their life, it's all we talked about, Death. The friend made death sound like it's a beautiful thing, like it's a thing people don't deserve, like those who are special deserve to die.

They had tried to take their life before, multiple times but they survived. But this time I could feel it that my beautiful dear friend is no more but still no tear left my eyes. I wished I could take the huge razor in their hand and cut myself too but I couldn't, my body couldn't move. Everything in me was frozen like ice.

My hair and clothes were drenched in my friend's blood and I still have those clothes with blood till today.

Destiny was my friend's name. Oh how i remember how life was once exciting and adventurous with my friend in my life. The walks at the park, ice cream dates for getting good grades, mostly my favorite was the naps we took together. Yes naps mean nothing but the feeling of sleeping next to the person who puts a smile on your face, who lightens your day is something that felt worth cherished and should not be taken for granted.

I still remember their wide beautiful smile, their crazy laugh and their light brown eyes. Whenever they would smile their eyes make a really cute shape like they are smiling with every part of their face, sounds crazy I know. They had a beautiful light brown heart shaped birthmark on their neck, everything about them was beauty, beauty that most of us couldn't understand, beauty that not many have it and i wish, i wish everyday that my friend understood how beautiful and enchanting they were inside and out.

"I always smile and i always say hi to everyone i see, cause already everyone is having a shitty life. Who am i to make them feel worse?"

I always think about these words. They said these words right after they were insulted and shamed the whole day at school. Once they said these words i just looke at them and wondered if someone can be hurt to an extent were instead of hating they pour love? but that's impossible, there has to be something wrong with my friend.

There were many things i couldn't understand about them. How loving and overprotective they were of me. It was the first time i was treated with love, the first time i ever felt important to anyone. I dint even know someone could feel so much happiness and peace, i dint even know these feelings existed in real life until i met Destiny. I finally knew my will to live.

After they left me, after they made a choice to snatch away who i was, taking away the peace and happiness, i felt myself fall into a pit of darkness. My heart never stopped hurting since that day, its like my precious heart is still breaking into smaller and smaller and smaller pieces everyday, the pain increases and there's nothing i can do to stop it but just wait for the day i feel numb.

I used to go visit our favorite places after their death, the places where i once felt alive. To tell the truth i sometimes have some hope that I'll find them waiting for me there, just to tell me that it was all a prank

I always find it empty..

I just hope one day i will finally find my will to live again. I hope i will finally feel what its like to be happy again and to be loved by someone.

You will always be in my heart Destiny.