I RELAPSED AGAIN

I trivialized love

<3

Love. Love is an underated feeling, i myself have no definition for love, there's something about love that i dont understand, the sudden feeling of blindness and foolishness love gifts to a person and also a sudden feeling of importance and happiness. These feelings just suddenly come and make you feel like your addicted to loving, feeling the grasp of love in you and the taste of love that never leaves your mouth. Thats how i understand love.

But there are so many things love can make you do and that just makes me question a lot of things. Love sounds like an angel or the smell of autumn and spring flowers. Its the opposite of that, love is rage and toxicness.

Love makes you feel overpowered, it makes you feel angry and alone, it can make you want to gain power in so many impossible ways. Loving someone makes you fear that they might get snatched from you, you become jealous, overprotective and controlling. You feel so small when you see them with others it makes you feel weak, you try to prove a point by being an uncontrable monster to your lover.

There's so many exquisite and resplendent things about love that makes you see beauty in a monster. Love is something you can't trust, its somethings that you shouldn't be accustomed to. It will break you and leave you shattered. Love can be good to others, just some are unlucky.

It's like war, the brave soldiers are fighting each other to save a country or a kingdom. Only one country or kingdom wins or some soldiers are lucky. In love only one wins in the relationship or some relationships are lucky.

I was once consumed and controlled by love, it turned me into a monster I never thought i would become. I was filled with indignation and rage. The love that i thought i fell for changed up on me, the love i thought i could yield was no more.

All these feelings came with hate towards myself, i couldn't even bare to look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't bare to even look at the person i'm suppose to be loving. The hurt i was giving to my lover could be seen even in her eyes, she was always wondering around with a dark cloud over her head.

Since this day i ask myself why did she love me, she deserved better. She was beautiful and intelligent with a lot of love to give to the world. I took advantage of that just cause i thought all love could present was beauty.

Never judge a book by its cover

Not many understand what this phrase means. I also surprisingly dint understand what it meant. I finally understood it. I judged love, i judged what love was and it showed its insides and it revealed traumatic experiences to me that i would never forget.

To love someone and to also be loved was what i thought love was, i was wrong apparently. To be respected by someone and yo also respect that person was what i thought love was, to be happy together, to love and cherish each other was what i thought love was. I'm not saying that's not love, its love, you have to make each other happy its an obvious thing you see on the outside of love, its written every where. If you were to be given a manual on how to love, the first step would be to make each other happy, to respect each other, to trust each other, to..you get it.

Its like when you buy a tv or a phone. It has great quality, its entertaining, convenience, educative, great emergency tool, good navigation and mobile payments but no one tells you about the addiction, health risks, social isolation, mental health problems, cyber bullying, decreases self esteem etc. All those things are nowhere on the manual, you just find them out along the way.

Thats like love, no one tell you about all the drawbacks and pitfalls, you just have to find out on your own. Finding out is the worst of them all, it depends on how you find out, when you find out and how you take it. For me this was the most atrocious step in my life, i found out late and i found out at the worst time also.

Love betrayed me cause it waited till we both fell too deep to be able to get out. The girl i loved was too afraid to even break my then ruthless heart cause she was still blinded and too deep to pull herself out, she let herself drown but never gave up, she kept fighting and she's still fighting, we both are.

I dint take the true face of love lightly. I changed once i got to know what love was. i judged love in so many ways but now i couldn't judge it anymore, as much as i hate to admit it, i was no different from it.

I hurt the person I was suppose to love , she probably always told herself the same thing. I hurt her it made me want to punish myself for that.. but she still loved me and I still loved her. We would leave bruises on each other, we would make each other bleed and scream and cry and beg for mercy but we still loved each other no matter what and that was the worst part of everything we put each other through, loving each other was the worst.

I was never happy with myself from that moment. We went from picnics, kissing, cuddles, memories, comfort, home, inside jokes, hugs, adventure, trust, laughter to abuse, anger, resentment, jealousy, trauma, manipulation, betrayal and stonewalling. I dont understand how i lost myself the way i did, how she also lost herself and how we were now monsters to each other, we found pleasure in hurting each and seeing each other beg to be set free but non of us had the courage to do so.

I'm still afraid of loving till this day. We finally set each other free and tried to find our worth and smiles, i dont know how its going for her but for me its not going great as i would've hoped. A day never goes by without me thinking of her and a day never goes by of me not hating myself and being afraid of love.

You can continue to love your lover, you can continue to love your world but just know love will one day show you its true colours and you will think of my words.