Soul in Flames | A Noah Sebastian Sequel

chapter one.

Dear Noah,

My therapist has made me write hundreds of letters in this short time in this silly little hospital. None of them really meant anything, I burnt most of them in my garbage bin. But this one does. I've collected all the notes I wrote in the hospital and put them here. You know I've written this letter a hundred times over but it never felt right. It's funny, I know exactly where your house is, but I don't know your address. It's probably a good thing, I'd send you so many letters you'd have them redirected to the nearest furnace.

It's so hard to put into words how much I miss you and how much I love you. And I physically cannot express how sorry I am to have left you. I'm so sorry that I never get to say goodbye. My father bribed my doctors and had them fake the results of my mental health testing so he could take control of me and once he had control, he had me sedated to a point that I couldn't fight back and took me back to Australia. He made especially sure that you couldn't stop him; that I would never get to say goodbye to you. He knew that would hurt you the most.

And not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same. You see what I did there? I knew it would make you smile. Sometimes it feels as though you wrote that song for me, because I don't remember hearing you write it, but I know that's ridiculous of me to think. You know how I feel about you writing a song about me. But it's comforting to me in a way. The thought of you 'waiting at the bottom' for me, 'waiting for years' for me... it's what gets me through each day and night here, knowing you're out there waiting for me. If the tables were turned I'd wait for you. I think of you every day, multiple times a day. And I see you in my dreams. I see your smile, I hear your voice and I can feel your arms around me. You know sometimes I sleep in a little longer just so that I can spend those 5 extra minutes with you.

Oh I miss you.

Noah, I'm so fucking sad right now. I'm in so much pain and agony. It feels as though my bones are made of cement and my skin is made of rock. Most days I can barely move. Most days I have to force myself to eat and drink but there is so little reason for me to do so. I've lost so much weight, I'm scared you wouldn't recognise me anymore. I'm not myself anymore Noah. I'm no one without you by my side. But I'm no longer a lifesaver, I'm no longer a firefighter and I hate the word but I'm no longer a hero. I'm my fathers 'sick' daughter, I'm my brother's mistreated sister, I'm the friend who was let down and taken advantage of. I'm not someone I can be proud of or looked up to. I'm a sad, grey shell of the life I worked so hard to build. I was stripped of everything, as if my own skin was peeled from my bone. I was stripped of you and your love. That's the most painful part.

I stare at these white walls and send myself blind staring at the bright lights and imagine 'what if?'. What if Patrick didn't show up and I didn't go to that supermarket, would I still be by your side holding your hand? Would I be standing in the front row of all your sold out shows, watching you give the best of yourself to all of your fans, feeling as proud as punch? Would you finally be able to teach me that one melody on guitar or would I give up? Would you give up? Would I still be there, laying in our bed, tucked into your side with my head in the space between your collarbone and chest as my hand creeps up your shirt and trickles across your torso, as you look down on me with a raised eyebrow and I look up to you with a playful smirk? Would I still be there, sitting upon your lap as we swing softly in the nighttime spring air, listening to you tell me about your time away on tour, hearing about all the silly little antics you all got up to? God I miss that chair. Fuck I miss the time I spent with you, just softly swaying the evening away. I could talk to you for hours in that chair. You know the saying 'enjoy the little things'? Sharing my swinging chair with you was my favourite little thing. Our time apart makes all the time we share together even more special.

I love you so much Noah Sebastian. You're my favourite and I hope you know that. I'm so sorry it took me so long to tell you I loved you. I was so scared to admit it, mostly to myself, and I'll kick myself forever for not saying it sooner. You changed my life for the better, forever. Noah you've shown me a love one could only ever dream of. I'm so grateful to have been blessed by you in such a short amount of time. Noah, I miss your smile, I miss your laughter, I miss your voice and your love. I hope you feel the same. It kills me not knowing how you feel. Are you okay? I hope you're okay and you're doing well. I hope you're living your best life on tour, creating memories with your band and your fans.

Patrick and Will surprised me today. They told me that Bad Omens are touring Australia with Knotfest next year. They also surprised me with tickets to the Sydney show. Noah, I'm coming to see you.

I'm coming to see you, my love. I can't wait.

But I hope I see you sooner.

Much love,

Belle.