little by little

the monster under the bed

𝓉𝓇𝒾𝑔𝑔𝑒𝓇 𝓌𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓃 𝑜𝓅𝑒𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇'𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝑒

♡

sapnap is sitting on the floor at the end of his bed, his legs crossed over one another, holding onto his socked feet as he rocks ever so gently back and forth.

he's not really doing anything right now, just letting his thoughts wander and keeping himself busy in his room so he isn't too loud. dream is home right now and he doesn't want to get in his way or disturb him and make him angry.

he's picturing a farm in his head, imagining all of the different pens, with particular attention on the horse stables. it's a game he's done for as long as he can remember, just sitting and picturing a scene in his head, trying to imagine he's there.

it's like how children play make-believe in the garden or on the playground, except sapnap has always made a habit of doing it in the quiet of the room, in absolute solitude. a habit from his childhood that he could never quite shake, and it only becomes more apparent when he regresses.

though, even when he's big and bored, he will sometimes let his mind wander. he's done it on group streams a couple of times when his input isn't necessary and he wants something to keep himself occupied.

the little hums quietly to himself - some tune that probably doesn't actually exist but it sounds nice to him so he keeps it up anyway. his eyes slip shut as he imagines the farmhouse, right at the centre of his imaginary scene. a family of three will live there, with a mommy and a daddy, a little boy and a few pet dogs.

it's a happy thought for a moment, but then he thinks that maybe the house is too small and someone will have to leave, and he can't help but think it would be the little boy that they send away.

sapnap opens his eyes, letting the farm disappear with the back of his eyelids, and focuses on his humming once more.

the ravenette doesn't know what time it is but he knows it's too early to sleep. he was supposed to be doing grown-up things but it all got too much and he needed some time to himself. now, his mind is all relaxed and the big thoughts have gone quiet.

he tenses his hands around his feet, squeezing slightly, and wonders what he can do with the rest of the day.

little sapnap is always excited to sleep, because that means he can cosy up in bed with a drink and a nice show. he could get in bed now, but a little voice in his head tells him he will get told off for sleeping too much.

an even quieter voice tells him he won't be safe in the bed.

so he stays sitting on the floor, humming quietly.

maybe later, if he gets bored, he can do some colouring. a few nights ago he started colouring a picture of a goat wearing glasses that he thinks georgie will like, not that he will ever show his friend.

the little ravenette frowns to himself, saddened that he can't be himself around his friends, but he knows that it isn't allowed. big sap would be angry, and he has learnt through bundles of experience that it's never good to break the rules. breaking the rules brings bad, bad things, and sapnap is too young and fragile to deal with those things right now.