Greenridge Academy

Chapter six

  "Hey boys! Mind if we join? She's throwing, I'm drinking!" Haley says while pushing her way through the crows of boys around the long table with cups placed in a triangle. "Uh – that's not how it –" One boy starts before another cuts him off. "Of course. Have you ever played before?" I look up to the boy, and blink a few times. He's tall, around six feet if I had to guess, he has the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen, and dark messy hair. He has a lip ring and a piercing sticking out of his eyebrow. His nails are painted black, and I notice that that's all he's wearing. Black jeans, fitted black shirt, and black boots. I shake my head in response, afraid that my voice would give away how nervous I am. "Okay, you can be on my team then." He says with a dangerous smile. I nod my head and follow him to one side of the table. He begins to explain the game to me, it sounds easy enough. Get my ball into the cup without bouncing it on the table, if I miss Haley drinks. If the other team gets their ball into my cup, Haley drinks... simple enough. "Oh, I'm Braxton by the way." He says while holding out his hand. I put my hand in his, "I'm Olivia. Nice to meet you." I respond with a smile. An easy one, it doesn't feel forced at all. I feel Haley behind me squeeze my pinky on my other hand, letting me know that she's here. I appreciate her more than she will ever know, the fact that she knows most of my triggers without me ever having to announce them. Braxton hands me the small ping pong ball, "The new girl gets to go first. Let's see what you got, hot shot." He says with a wink. Damn, I would rather have gone second. So I could see how the others throw, but I will have to take notes in my head after. I roll the ball around my fingers for a few seconds before aiming it at the cup in the front and center. The ball leaves my fingers and hits the edge of the cup before falling to the table and bouncing to the floor. That wasn't so bad, I almost got that one. The ball is returned and I pass it to Braxton, our fingers touching for a few seconds before he pulls away. He keeps looking at me but throws the ball toward the cups sinking it into the cup I had just tried to sink into. When it lands the boys across from us groan, while Braxton smirks. "Okay. I'm impressed." I say before turning back to the front and watching the other boys take their turns. It's my turn again, and I feel confident about throwing. Neither of the other people made it in, so I know what not to do. I take a deep breath and let the ball fly from my fingers, it bounces off the top of one cup and lands in the one next to it. I jump up with victory and Haley wraps her arms around me squealing. After a few turns with almost the same outcome a crowd has formed around us. Mostly girls, but there are a few guys around the outer edges. I take the opportunity to look back at the chair Lachlan was sitting at before, he's still there. His lap is now empty, but the girl who was kissing him is whispering something in his ear... but his eyes are on me. There's a hint of a smirk on his face. Am I amusing him? I let out a breath of frustrated air. Braxton walks closer to me looking back trying to see what I'm looking at. Lachlan nods his head once, but I'm not sure why. I didn't ask him a question.
  "Do you want to go outside?" Braxton leans down and whispers in my ear. "Uh–" I hesitate. Throughout the game Braxton and I talked, I learned that he has two younger siblings and one older. He's the only boy, so he gets treated like a prince by his parents. He's going to college for Architectural engineering, following in his father's footsteps. I did notice that he was sure he would be going to college but then again — so is everyone else that goes to our school. Even the popular kids keep their grades up, knowing that they need to get into college and can't always count on mommy and daddy's money. I realize that he's waiting for a response. It's not like we will be alone, there's over a hundred people outside. I nod my head, "Sure." He grabs my hand and pulls me toward the door. Once outside he lets out a big breath, "Oh my god. I feel like I couldn't breathe in there." His words make me smile. Make me feel like I'm not alone, someone else felt like they were suffocating. I nod my head in agreement, not having much else to say. We begin to walk around the building. "You know, it's weird I don't remember ever seeing you before." He says while looking down at the dirt he's kicking up. "Yeah I uh — I don't go to many parties. I normally just stay to myself." I give him the simplest answer I can. "I get that. Neither do I normally. I'm kind of a loner, don't have many friends." He says as we turn the corner to the back of the building. My breath catches in my throat, when his feet stop moving. "You know, you're really beautiful. I'm glad you came tonight." He says while pushing a hair behind my ear. "Yeah?" I say it and it comes out as a question, I don't mean for it to. But I can feel myself beginning to panic. "Yeah, otherwise I don't think we would have met. You're already my favorite part of the night." His hand lingers on the side of my neck. I don't know how to respond so I nod my head. Feeling extremely anxious. I open my mouth to say we should head back when his lips collide with mine. I try to kiss him back, but he's moving too quickly — too aggressively. My entire body freezes, and I can now feel the building rubbing against my spine. My hands fall to my sides, in my head I'm screaming. Pushing him away, but my body doesn't move — my feet planted where they are. My breath quickens, as soon as I'm pulling a breath in I can feel him take it away from me just as fast. I feel weight on my chest, then the breeze of the night air across my chest. My eyes are closed, but I feel like I can see everything happening from outside of my body.
  Through my closed eyelids I can see bright lights flashing, a lot of them. I rip my eyes open and my heart drops to my knees. There's a crowd of people around us, taking pictures and videos. I can't hear anything over the ringing in my ears. Braxton steps back from me and has a wicked smile on his face. I pull a breath into my lungs, as my eyes scan the people behind him. Lachlan and Miles are at the front of the group. Miles is laughing like he's watching an Adam Sandler movie, and doesn't have a care in the world. He has that animalistic look in his eye, the same one from the party where he tried to rape someone. I can feel warm tears running down my face, falling to my ripped shirt. Lachlan is standing there staring at me, a confused look on his face. Miles claps him on the back and he pulls a smile on. My body is shaking now, from my knees all the way to my shoulders. I start pulling my band back, the second it hits my skin Haley and Libbiann push through the crowd. Horrified looks on their faces, I'm sure they match my own. Haley runs to me and uses her body as a shield so no one can see me, but it's too late. Everyone already has. I can finally hear now, and all I hear is Libbiann chewing her brother and his best friend out. Haley grabs my shoulders and begins to usher me toward the car. "Are you kidding me! She's just a girl, a girl that I invited to this party! Why would you do something so horrific! Who even are you right now!" Her voice begins to fade the further away we get. Once we get to the parked cars a sob escapes me. I should have protected myself. I should have followed my rules, this would have never happened if I followed my rules. Haley gently sets me into the passenger seat of her car, running around the front of it. As soon as her door closes the backdoor opens. Libbiann sits down, closing the door behind her. Haley and I both stare at her in shock, confused on why she's sitting in our car.
  "I'm so sorry they did that to you. I — I remember what you did for me." A single tear rolls down her cheek. "I – Thank you. I don't want to be around them as much as you don't want to be around them right now." She says in a voice so soft I can barely hear her. I look toward Haley and her eyes are almost bulging out of her head. Without another word, she starts the car and we leave.
  We stopped at the grocery store, picked out three different flavors of icecream and wine. The clerk took one look at the lot of us and didn't ask any questions. We're back at Haley's now, sitting in her oversized room. "What about you?" Libbiann asks as Haley hands her the bottle of wine. "Oh she doesn't —" Haley starts. I reach my hand out for the bottle. "Are you sure? What about your rules?" She asks wearily. "Well, I'm breaking all the others. I might as well do everything I can to forget what happened tonight." I respond as Libbiann hands the bottle over. "I'm sorry— rules?" Libbiann asks with a puzzled look.  I let out a breath of air before letting it all out. "Well, it seems like I know about your thing. So you can know mine." I let out a breath before spilling everything. "When I was fourteen – a freshman I went to a party with a junior. He uh– drugged me. Roofied my mixed drink. Got me alone, and well..." I shrug my shoulders, not able to say it. "After that I set rules for myself. No makeup, no parties, wear baggy clothing, don't cause any attention to myself, no drinking. Stuff like that." I take a drink of the wine, realizing it doesn't taste so bad. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that happened to you." Libbiann says while she looks down into her tub of ice cream. "Hey Libbiann, Can I ask you a question?" I ask, looking at her. She nods her head, "Sure. Only if you stop calling me that. Libbi works just fine." I nod in agreement. "If you remember — why haven't you told anybody? Lachlan at least?" I ask not really expecting a response back. " Well, that's a good question." She laughs but I can tell it's an uncomfortable laugh. "If I tell someone then it really happened, someone I've always seen as my brother did that to me. If I tell Lachlan— what if he doesn't believe me?" She shrugs her shoulders. I nod my head unsure of how to comfort her. Haley stands and walks into her bathroom quietly closing the door behind her. Libbi watches and waits until the door latches before starting again. "Um– did he. Did he..." She hesitates, but I'm sure I already know the question. "No. At least I don't think so." I take a big swig of the strawberry flavored wine. "I think I stopped him before he got there. Not that that is excusing him of anything. I fully believe that if I hadn't stopped him he would have continued." I say flatly. She nods her head in return." The sink in the bathroom turns on, "Please don't tell anyone." She pleads. Still not looking at me. I nod my head, "Same goes to you." "Promise." She says as Haley opens the door.

***

As the next few days pass, all I can think about is the look on Lachlan's face. Why— why would he do that to me? I hardly know him, yet he plans this elaborate scheme to get me sexually assaulted in front of the entire school? I haven't talked to him at all since... I've been reading as I'm supposed to. I couldn't bear to fall behind in the class. The same thoughts keep rotating around my brain, never giving me a moment of peace. Of contemptment. Why is it always me? What did I do to make boys think it was okay to do these things to me? Do I have a sign on my back that reads 'Open for business, don't need permission'? I've spent many nights laying on my bathroom floor sobbing until my eyes are swollen and my throat raw. Why...me? I must give off a vibe or an aura or something that makes them think that it's okay. It's not okay. It was never okay. Maybe — maybe it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't here anymore. I know, that's such a cringy thing to think, but honestly at this point what gives? What am I doing wrong... the common denominator in all of these cases is me. I don't think I can make it through the next time... and there will be a next time. There always is.
I walk into my bedroom and look around at all of my things as if it were the last time. What I would be leaving behind. I have a small bookshelf filled to the brim with books that I've read hundreds of times. Clothing, makeup, and shoes. My bed, and — this mirror. I step in front of it, looking at myself. My long hair is in a loose ponytail, and I'm in an oversized tshirt with ankle socks on. That's not what I'm looking at though. No — I'm looking at the body everyone thinks they can take for themselves. I see big thighs, and saggy arms. Big boobs, and a flat ass. My body is trembling with anger, I squeeze my hands into fist trying to calm myself when I look into my own eyes. Fuck calmness. Fuck everyone. I let out a strangled scream and punch the mirror as hard as I can. I let out a long breath, somehow I feel better. Seeing the cracks and emptiness in front of me. Feeling pain radiating from my knuckles and blood dripping off my fingers. Through the cracks and missing pieces in the mirror I smile. Finally the outside matches the inside. I feel a tickle in my throat and I begin laughing. Maybe I really am crazy, because this is nothing to be laughing about. Maybe it's the small jolt of happiness I felt that brought it on. My eyes fall to my feet, there's glass scattered around the floor beneath me. Without a thought I fall to my knees and run my fingers over the many pieces. I pick up a jagged triangular piece of glass. Using my other hand I prick my finger until the redness forms from the amount of pressure. It eases something small inside me. Without overthinking I lift the oversized tshirt and pull the sharp edge through the skin at my hip bone. Thick crimson liquid begins draining from my body... dripping down my leg like my innocence. Except this time I'm allowing it. This time it was my choice. I feel myself falling into the dark hole, the same place I went after Joey. What if I can't come back this time... What if this is it? No. I can't do that to my family— Haley. Who would watch Lilac and Auggie? I would crumble this family further than I already have. I will be better, at least I won't let anyone know it's getting bad again. That will keep everything together — right?