A Void Dance

Chapter 8 Lydia

Fuck! This Lydia is not the plan. I berate myself. I am not supposed to be swooning like a teenage girl over a few thoughtful gestures. I am not supposed to feel anything at all. I take a deep breath as I stare at myself in the mirror. It was just a nice gesture between acquaintances...right? CJ is always attractive, and I knew it would be easy to resist her charms as a self-assured player. But tonight, that's not who I saw. I saw a sweet and vulnerable woman attempting to do something kind. She became desirable in an entirely different way. Separating the woman from the case study is becoming more and more impossible. I wanted this, but I am not sure how to end it because ending it may be my only option if I want to salvage my sanity.

My time with CJ has been great. As she opens up, I understand what drives her and her decision-making. About a week ago, I dug a little deeper.

"So, what happened with that girl at the bar?" I ask. CJ looks like she doesn't want to say anything. I wait silently as a minute passes. CJ sighs. "She was a girl I slept with; she decided we were together after that night. I made sure she understood we weren't," CJ tries to shrug, playing at nonchalance. "That clears it up." CJ squints like she's trying to think of the right words, "She wanted what I didn't. She was pushy." "Did you tell her at any point in your interactions you weren't interested in a relationship?" CJ shrugs. "It never came up. Besides, most people know I don't date." "Because you tell them?" I ask. "Other people do. Other women I have slept with." CJ is focused on her lap, picking at a thread in her jeans as she confesses. "I don't sleep with any woman more than once," she says almost in a whisper. "May I ask why?" I say, not wanting her to stop talking. She remains silent for a long time. "Relationships never last, and by not having one, I don't have to think about how or when it ends." CJ looks up at me as if she is searching my eyes for understanding or agreement. "CJ? What is your relationship with your parents like?" CJ looks at me, a little confused by the shift in the topic. "Well, I have only spoken to my dad three times in the last six years. We aren't that close, I guess." I nod. "And your mother?" I ask. CJ's eyes darken and go a little distant. She looks back down at her lap. "I haven't seen her since I was ten." her voice is small and quiet. The pain pouring from those words is palpable. "I'm sorry, CJ," I say, placing my palm on her shoulder. She shrugs. "It's whatever" the most common deflection statement used by all ages. The deflection tells me her mother didn't pass away. "Do you blame your father for her leaving?" CJ looks at me, eyes wide. "How did you..." she trails off and goes silent again. This time, the silence goes on for several minutes. "I blame myself." CJ finally confesses, staring at her hands in her lap. Everything becomes apparent in her words as to why she avoids relationships, especially with women. Why it seems others' feelings have little meaning to her. It's not about who she is sleeping with at all. It's about her. She feels like she isn't worth knowing, and if someone did know her, they wouldn't stay. Understanding all of this comes from my background. But how it makes me feel comes from a place I have tried to ignore. "Why do you blame yourself, CJ?" I ask. I wasn't sure she would tell me anything. Until the floodgates opened, and the entire story came out.