A Void Dance

Chapter 10 CJ

Present Day

When I texted Lydia, she said she had plans tonight. Since it is Friday and I haven't been to Sapphos in two weeks, I should show my face before they send out a search party.

I head to our usual table only to run into a cacophony of hoots and catcalls. "Holy shit, it's the missing link," Jessy yells. "I thought you finally got caught at the end of the wrong woman's shotgun," Mads laughs. I smirk. "Yeah, yeah, shaddap," I say. "Oh, she is caught up in something," Dani smirks. I shoot her a look. "Oh, do tell," Cloe speaks up with curiosity written all over her face. "I'm not caught in nothing. I was just busy," I say. This reaction from me only causes more hoots and comments. "Whatever it is, it must be good because you haven't hooked up in two weeks," Dani says more to the table than me. Four jaws simultaneously drop to the floor. Heat creeps into my face. "I'm gonna grab a drink fuck you very much," I say. I flip them all the bird behind my back as I walk over to the bar.

The bar is busy, so I maneuver between people until I find a space and lean in to be seen more easily from where I stand. Bandon gives me a fist bump. "The usual?" I nod. I prop my elbows on the bar and lean in while I wait. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a shock of long blonde hair, pink lips, and a short blue dress. Ashley is standing next to her friend Mel. They are talking animatedly about something. Both laughing. I stand back from the bar and walk towards them. They turn away from the bar, having received their drinks. "Scumbag," Ashley sneers when she sees me in front of her. Mel's eyes are wide, almost scared. "Ashley, you got a sec? You and Mel both?"

I ask. "I can't think of a single reason why I would have anything for you," Ashley says with venom. I run my hand over my neck, feeling a little frustrated. "I'm sorry," I blurt out. Ashley stares at me like I have two heads. "You got a minute?" I ask again. She grabs me by my shirt sleeve and drags me to the patio, Mel at our heels. "Ok, 1 minute," she says. Ok, here goes nothing. "I'm sorry to both of you. I mistreated you both, and after some reflection, I realized I was wrong. I never told you I don't date, so I can't blame you for assuming otherwise. And I used Mel to hurt you, and I'm sorry." I trail off on the last word, not knowing what else to say. Ashley's eyes soften. "Thank you," she says warmly. "In a million years, I never expected this." She pauses, looking at me thoughtfully."Whatever has gotten into you, I hope it sticks."

At that moment, a short girl dressed in pants and a t-shirt with short hair cropped close to her head walks up and puts her arms around Ashley's waist. "Everything alright, babe?" the girl asks. "Yeah, babe, this is CJ. CJ, this is my girlfriend, Courtney," Ashley introduces us, beaming at her girlfriend. I nod at both of them and shake Courtney's hand. "I should be getting back," I say, feeling raw. "Thanks again, CJ. Have a nice night." I nod and duck back into the bar.

At the table, five sets of eyes are on me wide. "What was that?" Dani whispers as I sit down. Thankfully, Brandon brought my drink to the table because I needed it more than ever. "I apologized," I say, feeling sheepish. "You what?!" They say almost in unison, staring. Fletch is the first to speak up. While wrapping their arm around my shoulder, they say, "Damn CJ, Im truly proud of you" I smile a little. Then, the hoots and howls are for a different reason. Dani beams, "My baby is growing up!" I nudge her in the arm. "What brought this on?" Mads asks. "I realized I was wrong, and apologizing felt like the right thing to do," I said, genuinely feeling those words. "Next round is on me. We are celebrating!" Jessy exclaims. I roll my eyes but laugh. In my head, I'm anything but laughing. Damn, am I that bad? Guilt smothers me because all my demons have decided to come to the surface, and every girl I see is just another reminder that I'm a pile of shit.

I head towards the bathroom a while later, but a swaying Mel stops me. "You know what you did earlier," Hiccup, "apologizing," Hiccup. "Was super sexy," Mel leans into me, running her fingers over the neckline of my shirt. Two weeks ago, I would have taken this girl to the bathroom and made her eat me out. Today, I find myself with a hand on her shoulders, guiding her to Ashley. "I think she needs to go home," I yell over the loud music. Ashley nods and takes Mel by the waist. I watch after them, ensuring they are safe getting back to their table. At that moment, it occurred to me that I had never made sure a girl was safe after I hooked up with her. This night has me feeling worse and worse as it goes on. What the fuck is happening to me?

I decide to sit on the patio with my drink. I watch the stars twinkle and think about the night I brought the picnic and showed Lydia the lights in the park. When she cupped my cheek, leaning so close, the look in her eyes was like dancing candle flames. I could feel her fingers lingering on my skin after she pulled back.

"Hey, you good?" Fletch asks, their eyes concerned. I shake my head, startled, having not realized Fletch came outside. "Yeah, I'm good," I nod." I look down at my drink. "CJ? I know you, and this is not the good you." Fletch puts air quotes around good. "I guess I just feel bad," I say, a little vulnerable. "Why is that?" Fletch asks. "With all the women I have hooked up with and just left. I didn't make sure they were ok. I never once stopped to think about if they were safe or even how they felt." ashamedly, I stared at my drink, unable to look Fletch in the face. "CJ, it's amazing that you are seeing these actions and regretting them," Fletch says. I look up, and they hold up their hand to silence me. "You're showing a sense of mental growth that has opened you up to another point of view. With that, you will perhaps become a better version of yourself."

I nod. "I know I'm a piece of shit" Fletch grabs my chin and forces me to look at them. "You are not a piece of shit!" Fletch exclaims. "I may disagree with what you do, but I see a lot of good in you even before tonight. You're a great friend. You help the kids that come to the shop without asking for anything. Maybe you're not a great partner," Fletch laughs. "But you're a good person, CJ, and you'll only get better." I nod, smiling. "Thanks, Fletch." Fletch wraps their arm around my back and leads me back inside, feeling hopeful.