First Dance (Strip in the City, Book 3)

18 • Everything is (not) Fine

Kennedy

The heaviness on my eyelids and the ache behind my temples are beggin' me to get some shut-eye. But I can't force myself to lie down until I talk to Lucas.

I have zero plan on what I'm gonna say, but there's a reason why I didn't take Flynn up on his invite to stay at his place, even though it is so late, and that reason has a lot to do with my best friend.

The only problem is that when I get back to his apartment, ready to tell him I'm questioning this whole wedding and what my faith says about sex and marriage, he's not here.

The apartment is empty.

At first, it's a relief. I think Lucas must be in the detached bathroom this old place has, but no, his shower things are hangin' in their usual spot. When I realize he's gone gone, I start to panic. But before I can whip myself into a tizzy, I decide to text him.

To be honest, I should've texted him on the way home. He'd asked me if I was coming home, but I didn't know what to say. The whole cab ride my mind was reeling.

Did I want to marry a man who was only staying with me outta guilt? Or obligation?

Momma says, when you know, you know. Mamaw says, love takes hard work. And, It's not I do, it's I choose.

But underneath all of that was the understanding that McDermotts found love early and didn't let it go because you were only supposed to give yourself to one person—your true love, the person who you built your life. And I was questioning whether I could make good on that.

Or...if I wanted to.

If I let Flynn off the hook and told him he didn't need to feel guilty anymore, that he could walk away from this relationship free and clear, that meant I'd be lettin' myself off the hook too. I'd be tellin' myself that it wasn't important to marry the man I'd given myself to, and that went against everything I'd been taught.

When my brother, Tucker, got his high school girlfriend, Hayley, pregnant at the tender age of seventeen, Mamaw sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that true love takes work. Momma and Daddy said the same thing, and so that boy proposed the day after two pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test.

They were married in a big ole wedding, with a Mrs. Brenda cake and all the pomp my family could muster. Standing side by side in our neighborhood church, where Uncle Donnie preached the service, they said I do.

He'd been scared as hell to become a dad and a husband so young. No education except a high school diploma. I remember him tellin' me as much. But he still got up there and did the right thing anyway, and gosh, it was beautiful. Everyone clapped, and the cake was so good.

All that hard work paid off, and they'd been happily married ever since. Fifteen years of matrimony. With two more babies and a cute little house and a business of their own. An auto shop where Tucker changes oil and rotates tires, and she keeps the books and runs the storefront.

It's a true McDermott love story.

But...that had never been me and Flynn. Not even when...

I swallow hard, and I do not think about that. I can't. If I do, I may just fall completely apart, and fallin' apart isn't something McDermott women do. We set our feelings aside and keep on charging ahead.

The real question is, will I ever be able to face Mamaw and Momma and Daddy and everyone else in my family if I don't marry the man I told them was my true love?

I mean, I could never tell them I'd felt so guilty for wanting to have sex with Flynn. I'd been told it was wrong to give yourself to a man who wasn't your husband, and that I was so happy and reassured that he'd told me he saw me as his future wife. It all felt like the love story I wanted.