𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 | Faye Yoko

𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 3: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁

"That absurd dream again?" I said to myself 6 years ago, not realizing it would be the last time I will experience that recurring dream. In dream wherein I could talk and interact with a certain someone who seemed so real yet was just a part of my imagination. It's strange how something so intangible could feel so real. Dumb, isn't it? It's superficial, but those dreams gave me a sense of connection that I hadn't found in reality.

For the first time, I found something that could make me happy. Now, looking back, I wonder if I was searching for something deeper, something that those dreams symbolized. Maybe they were a reflection of my desires and fears that's hidden deep inside. But as life moved on, so did I, I left behind the dreams that once felt so real.

I don't want to believe it, and I still don't. There's no scientific explanation for it. I'm a psychiatrist myself, and I know there's no scientific reason with what happened to me. I even consulted neurosurgeons a few years ago, and they couldn't explain it either. It's frustrating to have an experience that cannot be explained scientifically. With what happened, it challenged everything I know about us, about the human mind and it also made me question the limits of our understanding.

Seven years ago, I started having these recurring dreams. They were so absurd and vivid that they felt almost real. But as day goes by, I chose to put these memories away, trying to forget the past. I didn't want to think of myself as weird, especially since I'm a psychiatrist. How ironic is that? Here I am, someone who helps others clear up with how they feel, yet I can't understand my own.

These dreams were something I didn't want to remember and will never think about again. But now, on the day they stopped, I can't help but dwell on them. It was exactly June 15. On June 15, 2018, the dreams stopped. I remember that date with perfect sight but the details of the dreams that I've experienced had already faded - well, slowly. They linger at the sides of my mind, usually shadowy.

As a professional in the field of mental health, it's uncanny to confront something so unexplainable even in my own experience. The dreams may have stopped, but the questions they left behind left a mark, unanswered and unsettling.

I'm already 32. Can't I grow up? This is why people call me a crazy person who only cares about her work. It's frustrating to hear their whispers and feel their judgment. But what can I do, I shall remain calm. They just don't understand. I can't force myself to socialize, especially when I can't distinguish reality from dreams. How do I explain that to someone who hasn't been through it?

For seven long years, I've been trapped in this cycle - in cycle wherein I periodically think about that; maybe blurry but still unsettling. Seven years, Faye. It has already been seven years. Why can't you stop this madness? I keep asking myself that question. Each day, I hope for an answer, for some clarification. But instead, I'm left with the same confusion, the same blurred line between what's real and what's not. It's exhausting, to be honest.

The people around me think I'm just obsessed with my work, but they don't see the bigger picture. Work is my refuge, the one place where I feel in control. But even there, the shadows of what happened haunt me. I can't keep living like this, torn between two worlds. I need to find a way to move on, to reclaim my life. But how?

I am Faye Peraya Malisorn, known as the 'ghost' in our department- a psychiatrist. I am well-aware of my performance in my work. Currently, I hold the position of chief psychiatrist and I'm on track to be promoted to director. It's true that not everyone in the hospital sees me as an angel. And that's why they don't understand why I receive so many recommendations; just because my patients find a serene comfort in my presence?

I have worked for seven years in Choi Medical Hospital, and I must say, the journey has been quite enjoyable.

At the age of 32, I am often mistaken for a woman in her early 20s. Still single at 32? What a joke, Faye.

As for my characteristics, I consider myself to be straightforward. I can manage with anything, yet I hold myself to have a high standards. Maybe that's why I haven't found the perfect match for myself. Many men have confessed their love to me, but none have ever met my high expectations. It's not just about finding someone who loves me; it's about finding someone who understands and appreciates the depth of who I am. When will I find that person who truly understands me?