made up things we'll never really say : stozier

11

richie

"so, how was that cutie you took home friday?" beverly slides into the seat across from richie, jostling the table between them. richie feels his neck itch, but he laughs it off.

"wow, what happened to hello?" richie says, scoffing. beverly laughs through her nose, then shuffling through her bag to get her laptop as she awaits richie's answer. richie sighs, "it was fine. she was nice."

"god, you're such a prude with one night stands," beverly rolls her eyes, twirling a pencil in her hand as she eyes him down.

the truth is, there wasn't anything unpleasant about the night he'd had with jenny, but it had been just like what richie had feared it would be: a shitty attempt at a rebound. and seeing stan the next day had immediately made him regret his choice. richie doesn't feel like explaining all of that to beverly. especially not the whole i-had-sex-with-stan thing.

"forgive a man for keeping his mouth shut, will you?" richie says, going back to staring mindlessly at his readings, open on his own laptop.

"fine. boring, but fine. how's stan? the puzzle looks perfect, by the way. you guys should come over, for dinner or something, you can see it all hung up." beverly types away on her laptop while speaking, and richie takes the moment to stare at her. having brought up stanley so casually, almost immediately after asking him about a hookup, nearly gives richie cardiac arrest.

"he's alright, he caught the cold i had, so he's pretty much bedridden right now, but he's um... he's okay." richie mostly lies through his teeth, knowing stan's more than sick. he hadn't realized it until talking to him, and his neurons had actually fired for the first time in a while: stan was depressed again.

it was something stan liked to keep quiet, but richie watched as he pulled from every activity and hobby and pattern he normally loved.

"oh no! well, at least he's got you to save him. no dr. kaspbrak, but dr. tozier will do, i guess." beverly shrugs.

richie's head spins—he's got you to save him.

should stan even want to let richie save him? could richie even save him?

richie is normally a big fan of getting his hopes up. he loves shooting high, even if it lands him a foot off the ground. but he knows how to be realistic, and he knows it's dangerous to let himself think he could save stanley.

sometimes i think you're saving me.

stanley does not deserve richie. richie, who is useless in every department except for making tea, coffee, and occasionally acing an economics course. richie, who does not know how to handle conflict, and who does not understand who he is, or why he loves stanley the way that he does.

he wants nothing more than to be the person who could save stanley. but he shouldn't even let himself love him, let alone save him.

richie gulps, "yeah, i'm trying. lots of chicken noodle soup."

"good for the soul, i hear," beverly says, hardly looking up from the email she's writing.

richie stares hard into his laptop screen, words floating on the display as he tries to focus them into sentences. "something like that, yeah." he pauses for a moment, as if he maybe actually got into the work he's pretending to do. then, rubbing his temples, he decides that the headache is not worth staying quiet. he sighs and looks back up, "bev, i think i'm going insane."

"you already are. does that help?" beverly laughs, gently. richie wishes it was that easy.

"no."

"what's up?" beverly shuts her laptop, and richie suddenly feels bad that beverly can tell he's in distress. richie's caught between two feelings; he wants beverly to notice and ask, but how shameful it is now. i don't know how to save stanley. help me.

"you loved bill, yeah?" richie asks, maybe a little less subtle than he intended. beverly furrows her eyebrows.

"i mean, i still do, just differently now. but yeah, i think i really did. why, was jenny that cute? i didn't really think she had that much personality, but whatever—" beverly keeps talking, but richie interrupts, shutting his own laptop.

"no, it's not her. i just, um..." richie falters. how to explain? he cannot tell the truth, not at stanley's expense, so he stays quiet for a moment, pondering. "i wish i was in love, but it seems so complicated." it's not... untrue, richie supposes. beverly smiles sadly. then she giggles.

"well, duh. but it's also the most simple thing ever." she shrugs, leaning back in her chair. richie wonders how she made it through dating bill without their breakup ruining their friendship. the two are closer now than they ever were dating, and it thoroughly vexes richie. if him and stanley were to truly date, richie fears he would never be able to be normal again if they broke up. it terrifies him.

richie groans. "yeah, i've heard. but like, with bill... how did you deal with the fact that like... you can't fix him? i feel like everyone i know has been dealt such shit hands in life and i got lucky but i don't deserve it and i wish i could just... like... take away that shittyness."

"that's really cute of you, richie. but, i don't know, you can't fix people, but you can help them. and i think loving them is one of those ways. i get the urge, though. i felt like that about bill for a long time, but i learned to just, like, be there for him instead of fixing him."

richie contemplates this for a moment. then he sighs. "but i don't know how to help them either."

"then learn," beverly says, like it's always been that easy.