I know it's not in the norm for me to send you a document late at night. I was up thinking, being myself and what I'm doing to others around me. Please don't criticize me for not answering anything you send me or being ignorant and not involved in anything right now. There really isn't much of an explanation other than me being an asshole:
I stared at the window seal watching the clouds go by
The subtle wind cooling my face as each one came by
The sun beaming down on the window and house
My face becoming washed with sunshine
The bottle right next to me made me more vulnerable to feel
More vulnerable to scroll on the phone endlessly
'Oh, he got a girlfriend. He looks the same from when I saw him.'
'That's a cool thing.'
'Hope they don't mind me moving.'
'Hope I was never a bother for them.'
I look at what we had
Everything
I look at what we can have
Everything moreover
I look at why I'm stalling so much
...
I look at what's causing me to not jumpstart
...
I look at what's causing me to not pick up and start again
...
I don't know the answer, and I leave it at that
Every choice I made felt good in the moment
But they all had consequences
I feel like throwing my phone at the newly paved road next to the paletería
Each time I'm out I remember how much I took away from my friends
I remember all the fun times we had
I remember all the times we got drunk at a park
I remember all the times we tried to sneak out and party all night
Those nights are in the past now
He is in the past now
We never decided to call him to come back for he was already long gone
Our group functioned the same
The chemistry we all had was missing
But not all of it
We adjusted to having only 4 of us instead of 5
We adjusted to not calling each other slurs if we showed affection
We adjusted to being caring
We adjusted to being more tending and apologetic
We adjusted to not having out close friend with us
It took us a long time to get back to where we were
Some of us were caught up with partners, some with family
Some had neither of these problems and suffered with nothing
Yet, we treated each other as family
I always cared for them
They always cared for me
They noticed I had become more distance
More drunk
