The sun blazing over my friends and I, the Texas heat was no joke. I was used to it anyway. Though, something was missing. Something that I couldn't even diagnose. This tingling and stinging pain in my chest; I thought it was the practice I had just endured.
I wave goodbye to them as I start heading towards my favorite place: the trees with shade. By now, it's already 5, which gives me enough time to relax on the tree. Which is ultimately where I collapsed.
It gave me time to think, to daydream, to be myself, and relax under the tree. He always said it was nice to be under the trees during hot days, I believed him because we laid in them together.
Though, he wasn't all pleasant. It had been so long since we've last talked, and I hoped it was the last of it. I moved away further from where we met, and so did he. I figured it was the end of it all. It was the end of it all.
Though, he decided to message me, or well, on an alt of his on Instagram. It was a check-up for me as we hadn't talked in a while. I have him a dry answer: "Ok." And that was all. Though, he kept becoming more persistent.
This wasn't the guy I fell in love with several years ago.
I saw who he was, and he was manipulative and persistent. But something changed, and his cover gained more sympathy. More empathy to make his stories and life more believable.
I hated him for his lies and hiding his life away from me, but then I looked at what I'm doing to mine. Dry conversations, being ignored, not wanting to talk and being by myself.
I got it from him, and I hate it.
I hate it all.
Maybe that's why I caused his outburst
Maybe it wasn't all his brothers fault.
I look at the sky, the leaves, the clouds. I think more and more.
Maybe it is me, maybe it was me
I thought I was getting closer to you again, I thought I was with you more.
I guess I failed being the boyfriend to protect you, to care for you, to be there for you, to hear you out, to be your boyfriend, the one who would go out of their way just to be with you.
I fucked it up.
I heard laughter in my head, in my ears, everywhere. I close my eyes, the nightmare.
"You're a terrible boyfriend. I can't believe I wasted two years with you. I should have dated someone else instead of your fucked up ass, Flavio."
"..."
"You can't say anything, dumb ass. You can't. You fucked up. You lost me."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'm sorry won't fix it, bitch."
1 kick
2 kicks
3 kicks
1 punch
2 punches
3 punches
Never ending pain
Never ending guilt
The stuff he said hurt me more than his kicks, his punches, but that still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
...
"Creo que vas a sufrir más que tus hermanos. Construyes muros mentales para protegerte de todo y de cualquier cosa. Lo heredaste de mí y no estoy orgulloso de ello."...
"..."
"Soy la razón por la que siempre eres cauteloso con la gente, conmigo y con todos. ¿Si?"
"..."
"Soy la razón por la que siempre tardas una eternidad en comer y beber. Soy la razón por la que siempre quisiste estar lejos de mí. Soy la razón por la que siempre quisiste a tu papá en lugar de a mí."
"Puede que seamos casi idénticos, pero no somos compatibles. No nos entendemos. Algunos de nosotros necesitamos lugares tranquilos donde poder vivir, no lugares donde siempre haya ruido."
"Eso lo heredaste de tu papá."
"Sé eso."
...
"I'm going to rub your mistakes all over your wounds, like salt."
Dreaded pain.
But, anticipated pain.
The sodium falls on my wounds, his once soft hands, the same ones he used to hold me, aggressively rubbed in the salt. He had no care for how much pressure he had put on me.
He had gotten the reaction he entered, the silent sobs of me, but I didn't beg him to stop. He wasn't going to.
...
"I don't understand why you got with him and not me. What's wrong with you, asshole?"
"He just treats me well."
"All because I'm moving to Durango doesn't mean you can just break up with me and get with someone else."
"There's no rules on it."
When I broke up with him, he slapped me hard. Our friends had to pull us apart, but I wasn't doing anything. It was him who attacked me, and it was him still trying to.
Though, they pushed him away and brought me away. To their house to help clean and bandage the wounds, but they couldn't help with my mental ones.
They always stopped by to make sure he wouldn't return, and he never did. It made me happy, but yet again, was it right of my to be happy it all ended?
I stared in the mirror, and the scars on my face and arms were all I had left. I didn't want to show my face or my arms to public, just so they couldn't see what I looked like.
It turned from a physical mask to a mental mask. A wall, a barrier. Anything to protect me from my life.
...
A sharp object sliced my skin deeper than I had ever gone. Blood was gushing out. It seemed as if I was going to bleed to death.
I looked at him, a maniacally evil smile.
"I always wondered how it was to cut skin, and I'm so glad I cut yours!"
...
I opened my eyes, and they were all teary and watery.
I had fallen asleep on the trees. I was covered in ant bites and flea bites.
I pushed my body up the stump of the tree, I opened my phone and saw nothing.
"Maybe he did decide to leave me alone. With all the trauma he gave me."
As if I spoke too soon, an Instagram notification popped up.
'I know where you are.'
