Final Love

we got eachother

another part for you sweet peas!

trigger warning, drug use mentioned suicidde and relapsing 

again from lineahs view 

I woke up first in the morning. first before anyone, I thought. my eyes felt heavy because I cried so much the day before. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I looked around to see if rose was still in bed with me and she was. I got up to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. when I walked out again she was up. I caught eye contact with her but before being able to say anything she turned to the other side. maybe that wasn't on purpose? I approached her and sat on the corner of the bed. ''good morning my love'' no response. was she mad at me? I reached my hand to brush it over her hair but she shifted away. ''leave me alone please.'' I pulled my hand back quickly. she was mad at me? I felt the pit in my stomach so I just went out the room. and closed the door behind me, I sat on the couch touching mc knees under mc chin and holding not them. I was scared I did something wrong so thoughts started racing my head again. completely blinding out my surroundings I didn't notice lia sitting next to me. she gently touched my shoulder and I  snapped out of it. ''don't worry about it she's fine'' she said to me. ''but why is she so mean to me? did I do somethig? is she mad? whats wrong? maybe all this happened because of me? what if shell leave me because being with me is to much stress for her? what if she wants to break up? or have a break?'' all these words started streaming out of my mouth as I started sobbing one again. like I did previously all day like it felt. lia was completely overwhelmed with what I just gave a way from me and didn't eb'ven know how to comfort me or anything. she just looked at me ''I feel so bad now also feel like I should relapse again and I don't known how to deal with any of this'' my sobbing got stronger not even noticing the fact that the for to the bedroom opened by now and the girl I was currently crying about made her way to us. ''hey hey hey im sorry, no don't take it like that'' she put both her hands on my shoulders. ''you got it all wrong I promise its a personally issue , yes it got something to do with you but not at all in the way you think I promise.'' she pulled me closer into a hug. ''I love you Lineah and I will continue to please stop worrying, im fine, and you should be too.'' she let go of mean wiped away my tears with her sleeve. ''why did this happen? why did you do that? did you want to die? was it because of me?'' ''ill tell you okay just stop crying okay? il tell both of you actually. she sat back and sighed. ''god this is gonna be hard.....  I don't know okay I felt really bad after you relapsed in the morning because I knew I couldnt help you the way id like to. because obviously I can't take your thoughts and pain from you. so I felt really helpless and empty because I knew the person that I loved a lot was hurting and there was nothing I could do, and then I also more or less had a fifth with lia and I dint know I just wanted to get things off my mind. originally I was just gonna go out with  Marvin, I don't know why I lied about Zoe im sorry. and I told everything to him and he Mae me feel so awful telling me im a bad person for all I said to lia so I felt worse, not better. and when he crushed up some shit and asked me if wanted some, not knowing I was sober I one just bought anything. I know I shouldn't have but I knew I upset the most important people so I felt bad. im really sorry. both of you''both me and lia were silent. ''why didn't you tell me that lineah had a relapse in the morning? I wouldn't have gotten upset if I knew.'' lia said ''and why didn't you tell me that you weren't well either?'' she leaned forward and placed her head in her hands ''I don't know guys I should've done better I know. her voice was breaking so I was sure that she was about to cry. I struggled finding the right words to say. ''please let one of us know next time okay? im sure to say none of us was mad or disappointed if you would've just explained how it is.'' lia said rose leaned back again '' I will next time im sorry''  both me and lia were relieved to hear that.''great'' lia said jumping up from the couch. ''listen ladies im all for this and I know this is a bad moment but I really got to go im late for my lecture and if I dint leave right now ill miss all of it.'' I nodded to her and in less then a minute she dissaprared out the door. I tuned back to my girl still in the exact place ''do you wanna go  lay down?'' I asked. se got up and wentstraugth to the bedroom as we were laying in bed and she was tight in my arms. I asked her again if she was fine ''yeah'' was all I got her voice broke while saying it and not even a second after she was sob gin my arms. The girl that seemed phased by nothing,  held me trough all my breakdowns  and that I never saw cry was now breaking down in my arms, sobbing like a little girl. and I just held her giving her the opportunity to let everything out. ''im so sorry'' she said during her sobs ''it was just all to much and I didnt know what els to do'' she held on tight and  letting go. ''it okay love I understand you.'' I bed over her headlettingher cry as long as she needed until eventually she stopped. ''im here for you don't be afraid to tell me anything even if im doing bad myself or even if it seems like drawing attention to yourself. I want you to be okay under any circumstance because ei love you so much and you're so precious to me. don't feel like you're letting me down because you're not. you helped me more than anyone by just getting out that house and loving me all through random people showing up and even relapsing. I love you so endlessly much and I will forever.'' I kissed her forehead. she looked up at me smiling her cheeks still red from crying. '' love you'' she said back. ''and pleasedont do that gain. that was really scary for me. I don't mind if you smoke weed. but don't do anything else okay?'' ''ill ty my best.'' she hugged me a little closer. I felt courted by her hug but nothing she said gave me closure. lia broke off my thoughts once again, " guys im sorry I really gotta go, I got shit to do okay?" she jumped up and collected all her things before rushing to the door. she threw a little 'call me' at us and  without even putting her shoes on first left the door. weird. but I didn't have time to think about any of this rn. I sat back and stared at the turned off tv. I felt rose stare for a while, she also took a breath like she was gonna say something, but she dint. she scorched her head but seemed to just shake all off and got up to go back to the bedroom. 

I tried so hard not to relapse, the thoughts were consuming me whole and I didn't know how to feel. rushing me my wrists were still hurting from yesterday but the string for new pain didn't lave me alone. my head was spinning and I felt bad for all, I tried drawing my thoughts and feelings because I felt that I wasn't valid, why am I feeling like this when im not the one that nearly died yesterday? I decided just to bottle up everything and check on rose. she was just on the bed turned away on her phone. I laid down right behind her spooning her and putting my arm around. then she spoke up "don't touch me please" I immediate flung my hand away. I now its just a boundary but some how it felt like a shard hitting my body. "oh okay im sorry" I turned to get up standing up and trying to make as little noise as possible. suddendly I felt her tug on my arm. so strongly that I fell back down on the bed. she shifted me closer hugging me tight. "Im sorry I shouldn't be mean to you I just feel really bad. its nothing with or about you I just feel so guilty toward you im sorry" she kissed my head and let out a sigh. the fog in my head cleared up a little knowing that I didn't do anything. "its okay" I put my arms around her waist pulling her body closer to mine to feel her warmth. but suddenly I felt one of my thoughts escape my mouth. " why didn't you tell me? are you addicted?" her eyes met mine and I could tell even more guilt washing over her as if she was embarrassed. "im so sorry, when I met you you're so sad, and the fact that you hurt yourself was mistakenly opened to me so quickly. I felt like I had to fix you, and protect you and I didn't want you to loose the innocent perspective of me being perfect. yes I am addicted and I have been for the past 4 years. I dint know why I dint tell you. you're the ne who has it worse and I felt telling you  would give. you another reason to why you should be more worried. till now I had the tough of not being able to tell you. I belie that no-one can love me and I can't trust anyone who dosnetnt love me and ts hard to believe that you Loe me if I think like that its sorry. my ex really broke all my confidence and this also why  was scared of you pleasing me because I had to give her my body for her to love and if should find one flaw about me or my body shed mention it for ages so I decided to not let anyone get that of me or get to see me in full naked,  I love you I really do but all this sis so hard for me and also so stressful , its not that I don't want to do or have all this im just scared sorry, please don't get sad." tears formed in her eyes ad stared streaming down her cheeks I thought id never get to see her crypt now here she was crying like little kid. I pulled her closer to me and held her. " please don't ever be scared of telling me stuff. I love you, and nothing will change. I know I worry a lot ut ill worry less if you tell me exactly how it is." I decided to just not say much. I know she knows what I mea and honestly I didn't know what to say either. I kissed her face all over loving on her so she would know that this is genuine and I love her in all ways and moments even the bad ones.