Connecting hollows (Tobirama x Madara)

19. The deacon (Madara)

I immediately felt I hated the cathedral, and I felt that Tobirama did, too.

Tobirama... I looked at him as he stood tall and strong like an anchor next to me. Never in a million years had I thought... But I had hoped. I had never prayed for anything as much in my life as I had prayed for him to accept me, which was the most selfish thing I had ever prayed for, but also the thing that I regretted the least that I was selfish for. I didn't regret it at all, in fact.

But he had tensed up as soon as the cathedral came into view. As we stepped into the park, I had to massage his hand that was holding mine to make him ease the grip. He apologised and tried to relax his hand, but instead, I heard him grinding his teeth.

I understood him. I felt the same. The sight of the cottage in particular made me feel like throwing up. How had I been able to live here for so long in such anxiety?

I held his hand as we entered through the port of the church, alongside some visitors. I had to admit it filled my heart with joy to see so many people visiting it, marvelling at the interior, taking photos. It had not been that way when I had been the deacon. I felt no jealousy towards the new deacon, whoever that was, but I felt sad that the cathedral had been deprived of all this life for during the months of the protests. Now, everyone seemed at ease, and nobody seemed to recognise me.

We were synchronised, me and Tobirama, because he felt I needed to walk around for a bit first, or he felt he needed to do the same, so that was what we did. But, inevitably, there came a point where we had been to every part twice except for the hidden staircase.

Once again synchronised, not even communicating it to each other, we walked to it hand-in-hand. It was a forbidden area for non-visitors, but we didn't care. As we started climbing the stairs, I suddenly felt Tobirama sink down to his knees next to me.

"Hey..." I said.

He was leaning his face in one hand, the other one in the he step ahead, supporting him, and he was breathing through gritted teeth.

"Don't worry, just give me a few", he said. "It's just... The memories... Climbing these stairs..."

I suddenly realised I didn't know the conditions behind his finding of me. But judging by what he said now, he had realised downstairs, and then fought with himself up these stairs. I was more lucky; I didn't even remember the part where I went up the stairs.

But on the landing, I started to feel it, too. Just a tiniest tingle in my fingertips.

Then, it came all at once. It was like something possessed me, and I released Tobirama's hand and ran to the bathroom door.

He screamed my name. I couldn't force myself to care. I flung open the bathroom door.

It looked so tranquil. Not like the murder scene that I had wanted it to look like. Same bathtub, same sink, same shelves, same towels...

Same towels...

Exactly the way I had left them.

Something's wrong...

Nobody had touched this bathroom after they had dried it up after me. And the bloody razor blade I had used was on the sink.

I didn't know how I ended up on the floor but I did. For a moment, I thought there was water around me, that the bathtub was overflowing with dirty water and my blood but there was nothing, just me, alone.

"Madara..."

Tobirama's calming presence around me. I had thought he would break down, too, but he didn't. I didn't know he had already had his bathroom breakdown, so I felt incredibly grateful for needing to cling to him.