Out of Our Hands

March 13th (Out of order)

Today was the worst day of my life. I was sitting in the back of Aden's car while his buddy Danny was in the passenger seat. The music felt like it was turned up past the max. It literally felt like my eardrums were bleeding. Aden was driving with nothing more than a finger on the steering wheel. In his other hand, Aden held a beer. It was his third of the drive. Aden was yelling over the speaker telling me that I was going to love this spot that he and Danny found. Danny was also throwing down some beers. He was constantly turning to the backseat and yelling at my face about how cool the spot was. I'm not going to act like I was innocent in this whole scenario. There was plenty I could've done to prevent what happened. But instead I was drinking in the backseat and acting like an idiot myself. At this point I was ready for college to be over and not just this year, all of college. I was doing terrible in my classes. Instead of taking my classes for a letter grade, I declared for pass or no pass. As long as I got above a C- in the class that was considered a pass. But I was barely scrapping by. I stopped putting in the effort that got me to this college in the first place. We arrived at a curvy road and I thought Aden was going to drive us off. As we came around a turn sharply, there was an old man who looked to be jogging. The headlights lit up the man and blinded him. He wasn't in the middle of the road or anything. He was doing nothing wrong, but we were. I about leaped out of the backseat trying to point out the man to Aden who wasn't slowing down. Aden finally tried to swerve out of the way but it was far too late. He violently hit the man and then brought the car to a stop. Everyone sobered up real fast. We got out of the car and made our way over to the man. I saw him take a couple uncontrolled breathes before his body stopped showing any sign of life. Danny and Aden were cussing back and forth. Aden kept saying how the man came out of nowhere, and I argued that he could've clearly seen him. As we got closer to the body, we could see that his phone was nearby. There seemed to be a phone call that was still going on. We could hear the screams of the caller. I didn't have time to decide what to do with the phone because Aden grabbed it quickly. He then took the phone and threw it into a nearby body of water. When I asked Aden why he threw the phone away, he simply said it was because someone was on the phone. I said that it was possibly a family member and we should have let them know that we were going to call for help. Aden looked at me like I was an idiot. He said calling for help was the worst thing to do because we were in terrible trouble. But I didn't care about being in trouble, I knew I was in the wrong. And if there was the chance for this man to be saved, I might as well try. I pulled my phone out, but before I could do anything, Aden ripped the phone out of my hands. Aden claimed that there was no walking back from this event if it got reported to anybody. I tried to assert myself on a moral pedestal. I told Aden that he would never be able to walk away from something like this. I told him that he was an idiot for drinking and driving. Aden said Danny and I were just as guilty as he was. Everyone in the car played a role in the man being hit. Aden convinced Danny that if he truly wanted to be a doctor after college, then he would have to be quiet. Obviously we all weren't in the right mindset. But I kept trying to say that we could save this man. Aden replied saying that the man looked dead to him. Danny, who was now on Aden's side said he also thought the man was dead with no chance of being helped. Aden then started asking me what I wanted to be after college. He said that no matter what I do, this accident, if reported, will follow me for the rest of my life. I kept screaming that I wasn't the one who did it, but Aden kept reinforcing how I played an equal part. He threatened to claim that I was the one who was behind the wheel if I work to report the event. Aden said he would make my life a living hell if I didn't follow his wishes. His next wish will haunt me for the rest of my life. He said that he wanted Danny and I to help him throw the body into the water. I claimed that Aden was insane. I told him that no matter what we do, the family of the man will still come looking for him. Aden told me to let the family look. He then drew his switchblade out that he always carried on him. He swore that he would throw me in the water with the man if I didn't comply. I felt like I could handle myself against Aden normally. But with the drinking I had been doing and with the combined forces of him and Danny, I might be in trouble. I was truly frightened about what could go down. In the end, I was worried more about my life then the potential of saving this mans. So, I walked over to the body with Aden and Danny. Aden told us to search for large rocks to put in the mans pockets. Aden urged us to make this process quick. He then once again stated that if we ever spoke about this night to anybody else, then he would have no issue killing us. His personal future was more important than our moral guilt. I was such a coward. I helped carry the lifeless body to the water where we dumped it in. We watched until the body drowned in the depths. I will never be the same. I can't believe that I did what I did. I wish I had somebody to tell. I wish I could tell all my family and have them give me their much needed advice. But I'm worried that if I tell my family and Aden finds out, then he'll hurt my family too. I know that Aden will not risk having this accident reach public ears. I don't think I'm as strong as Aden in terms of keeping things to myself. At least nothing like witnessing the death of someone. I don't think that I can live with this secret. Maybe it would be a good idea if I switch dorm rooms. I used to be so annoyed of the kid. I used to make fun of him. He was the source of jokes I told to my friends and family. But after the accident, Aden had a sense of power over me. Aden and Danny talked the whole car ride back like nothing happened. All I have been thinking about is the person that old man was on the phone with. Was it his wife? His children? An old friend? I hope that someone comes to find him and tell the truth. But even if that were the case, I still feel like Aden would accuse me of letting out the secret which would send him after me. I haven't written in here a lot, but this journal helps me share my thoughts. This will probably be my final entry. I feel sick and don't know what to do with myself. I hope this entry serves as a way for my confession to come out in the most right manner. Regardless of what Aden would do if I told anybody, I'm personally afraid of what my family would think about me. I'm supposed to be the golden child. I'm the first one going to college for all four years. I'm the one who didn't get in any trouble partying or drinking. I was never in a car accident, I was never part of anything negative. But now I was somebody new, and I don't think I want my family to know that new person. To end this entry I want to make it clear: I, Tanner Richards, Aden Adler, and Danny Martin were driving at around 11:30 pm on March 13 on Cedar Road when we hit a man, who we didn't care to identify, with a car. Aden was the driver. Danny was riding in the passenger seat and I sat in the back. We were all under the influence. We threw the mans body in the Stark River and watched him drown. I pray for the family of the man who was hit. I'm sorry I wasn't a better human being.