My Random Rants or Thoughts

3

Its been a while...

I'm having a moment rn so I'm writing how I'm feeling because this is a reoccurring event.

You ever go from being happy or content to feeling so majorly uncomfortable that you feel like crying?

That happening rn. It feels like my insides are shaking.

I've been ok until now. Well...sort of just in my usual "ok" state.

Today isn't a good day, but I've been trying not to think about it.

1 year ago today, my granny passed away.

People have been talking about family members and friends that have bad memories.

Fake friends, fake family, fake people, yada yada. You get it right?

I sometimes feel like I'm an only child. I have 2 older brothers who are both despicable fucking people. My oldest has never been a brother to me and the other is just an asshole.

I'm scared because I'm starting to understand why the asshole is the way he is. I'm starting to fully understand why he's mad all of the time. I feel like I'm feeling his feelings and I hate it.

I've asked for professional advice and every time I get "that sounds hard" or i can't talk at all like my mind goes completely blank.

I've had some people ask me if I'm possibly on the spectrum and I've always told them no because everyone that I've tried to talk to about it has pushed me away or accused me of seeking attention.

I don't think I'm genuinely on the spectrum, but that i have similar symptoms sometimes. I don't want to self diagnose because that's wrong to me, but no one will listen.

Fuck doctors. Fuck fake people. Fuck feelings.

I hate being this way.

When I was in middle school and high school I had a few semi major panic attacks and no one even cared except my teachers. I even attempted twice.

I've always had trouble making friends or hell even keeping them....I guess.

Everyone seems like they're out to get me.

I only have 2 "close" friends. They're the only ones whove proven that they don't care who I am or how I act.

The others have said things behind my back and act fake as fuck in person.

My head is spinning.

I want my papa. I wish he were here.

He died in 2017. I was 13. I watched him tale his last breath. (at 20 I watched my granny take her's)

He was the only one who listened to me

He was the glue to our family

When he died, everyone gave up.

I wish he was here. He'd know what to tell me. He always knew what to say. I just want to hug him again.

Me and my granny were never close until I hit my teenage years. I always thought she hated me.

Not papa...he made me feel special. He made me laugh, he made me smile, he was my rock, and I want him back.

I'm so tired of being seen as a disappointment. I miss papa because he saw me for me and loved me the way I was.

I dont think I'll ever find someone like that ever again. The closest thing I have is my 2 friends.

All of the others left or pushed me away.

I'll always love you papa. Just know that someone truly loves you. Baby girl loves you forever and always.