my journal

Chapter 2

Thinking back, about all the events I lived through, is sometimes scary. I think to myself how did I manage to keep it together. Truly now I know I didn't. I vcried myself to sleep. I ended hurting myself, I kept quiet, I hid who I was. I lost the sense of reality. I tried everyday to be strong, to be the persona that everyone wanted me to be. I grew tired. I started to slip, deep into a black hole, one that I couldn't escape. Even through trying different things, I couldn't escape. Maybe even now I'm trying to get out. I see a light, not so bright, but I see it. I think I have a sense of reality, maybe not that great, but something.

Age 9. This age was complicated for me, It was when I started the pressure. I'm barely nine, don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. Well something realistic. I thought I could be a singer, an actress, astronaut. Even a princess still. I was still innocent, still having that child like innocence. I started getting pressure with grades, that I had to be the best. No failing, not being able to have less than an A. I began my journey of being so hard on myself. My parents couldn't let me down on my grades. They said I was smart, I think I was just good in memorizing. I would try my best to reach the other the smart kids, but I wasn't smart. I was average, I knew I wasn't smart. Or that's how I got the idea with the comparison with my brother. Not only that, this was the year I met mean girls.

I didn't have to face mean girls till, my friend started hanging out with them. They could say one thing in front of her, but then smack talk her in front of me. I wish I had the courage to fight against them, but I didn't want to cause trouble with my mom, but also girls are scary. I could talk back to the boys, and fight back with them, but girls say hurtful things. I learned that the hard way. I joined one day, but just said something random, just they could leave me be. They then told my friend, and I told her I was lying to them because they started it first. These mean girls were able to get away with it because they're parents worked there. I was afraid they had the power. So I kept my guard up. Couldn't afford to let it down. I was happy when the year ended, because those mean girls ended up changing schools the following year. I didn't have to worry about them, but they weren't the biggest storm.

Age 10. Now I mentioned, we were dead poor. this was the year my bad finally decided to go work with my uncles, in construction. He went, and he was bringing in the money, it was sad that we only ever got to see him on weekends, but I mean we weren't losing our house that often, or be behind on the bills so much, so I guess it was worth it. 

When I had to wear fancy clothes, like dresses and stuff, I only had one. The reason behind it was A. I was really broke, and B. I didn't like dresses as much. Even so, I would get comments like I would only ever wear that dress. Why didn't I get a different dress. I mean I felt embarrassed to say I couldn't afford one, so I just said it was my favorite. I didn't know at the time how lucky I was because I didn't know that some kids who were there were struggling as weel, being homeless,in a foster home, even in a shelter. Now as an adult and I think back I see how lucky I was, because at least I had a roof over my head, and I had a family...well that family kinda shattered in a way.

It was late one weekday night, I think it was a Friday night. My dad was suppose to come back home that weekend. I was in my room with my sisters, we were playing dolls. My mom then started shouting for us to come, my brother didn't listen, but I was always there when she needed me, so I ran before anyone could. I wish I would have ignored her. My world came crashing down, with every word that came out of my mom's mouth, "your dad is cheating on me. He's talking to these whore. Your dad is a filthy cheater. He's disgusting. He doesn't loves us or else he wouldn't have cheated on me." I was 10. I wasn't really aware what all those words meant. They hit though, I knew it wasn't good. I connected the pieces together, I guess you could say I was a bit smart. I broke that day. My innocence as a child was gone, I woke up as an adult then and there. My sister came running asking whats going on, my brother followed, and it came to me that they didn't have to know. I pushed them away, telling them nothing is going on, as my mom cried on the other side, I pushed so they wouldn't have to see what I saw. I saw the strongest women I had ever known, break down, because of the man she loved, hurt her.

I couldn't see my dad the same way. He didn't come that weekend. I didn't feel like a kid anymore from them. I witnessed my mom go throw depression at the age of 10. I saw how she slept all day, and secretly at night she would drink her sorrows away. I cried because my family wasn't a family anymore. I knew things my siblings didn't know, and I kept my mouth shut to protect them. One day it slipped in front of my sister, and she went and told one of the after school teachers. they just said, "oh that great, how bout you go play now" I mean if I were them I wouldn't know how to react to that either. My dad came home the next weekend, and it seemed like nothing happened, but I knew, and they new I knew. I just didn't say anything, I thought it was for the better. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I think back on it now and I know it wasn't, but what would a 10 year old know. She was barely starting to grasp life. 

Sincerely

Me :)

(hello, little author's note, this is basically a journal lol. I think it's just my way of letting everything out there, and maybe some of you will connect with it and maybe others won't. Maybe this isn't gonna get any views, but its my way to let everything out. If you want to let it out as well, let know, and I'll add it on here. This is a safe space, no judgement, just a place to vent. Thank you for reading, and hope you all feel great :). )