The dark night of the soul

The beginning

It was a cloudy afternoon in Hungary, the sky was so dark, that it was hard to see without light in the middle of the day, the rain's legs were hanging down from the sky, getting ready to fall and make the whole country shine from the water.
I was sitting in my room in front of my laptop trying to soak my favorite weather in and getting some inspiration to write my book. Suddenly I heard yelling from the living room. That's my stepfather's voice. He does this all the time, he keeps hurting people, and he gets pleasure from it. I don't even understand why Mom had to marry this man. I have been under his control since I was six, and now I'm 25, which is a long time living together with a narcissist, who hates me.
I stopped writing and started to listen to the commotion.
"Can't you tell she is just a problem? She didn't unpack the dishwasher. She had one job and she wasn't able to do that one either. She just takes my money and plays the little princess, but she is actually worthless. She left the midwife university to be a writer, but who needs those people? She doesn't have a talent. Talk with her to change her mind, pull herself together, and act like a normal rational person, or get the hell out of my house, and send her to her father. She is his blood anyway." - I heard him yell. It was again about me. I stood up and walked in front of the mirror and I looked in it. A girl with light brown hair and green eyes was staring back at me. Her hair was lightly resting on her shoulders giving her face an extra light. I kept listening to the argument.
"This is not just your house! My money is in it too! And that's my daughter! Colette can decide what she wants to do with her life! I will talk to her to take care of the dishwasher! You should take back this attitude Leslie! Why do you always have to hurt other people?" - yelled back my mother, Amelia. She never was the mother type, she was always selfish and rather chose her husband's side to keep the partner, than her own daughter's. It looked like finally she started to become a mother.
I heard the balcony door opening which meant Leslie was out to have a cigarette.
At the same moment, my door opened up too and my mother stepped in.
"Why can't you just be normal? Why couldn't you finish the university?" - she yelled at me
"Still being his loyal sheep I see." -I answered with disappointment in my voice.
"You know very well that he is right!"
"No he is not! I don't want to be a midwife, I want to be a writer, I want to make movies, and I hate what I was doing! I have a creative soul, I have nothing to do with medicine. I was struggling every day! I want to move out of this stupid country, want to live in America and live my dream, I want to share my stories with the world, and help them heal!"
"America? Pff... you can't be serious! You would be killed there, that's a dangerous country! And you will never become successful, because you don't have talent! If you would you would have been discovered already! You are my daughter! You have my DNA, you can't be talented, we are regular!"
"First of all, talent has nothing to do with your physical body, it comes from your soul, and from the gift God gave you, and second of all, you're right, I don't know if I'm talented or not, because you kept hiding me! No one ever could discover me in a country like Serbia and Hungary, especially since you pushed me towards medicine. That's why I need to move to a country where I can find opportunities to figure out who I am, and by the way, America is nothing more dangerous than any other country!"
"You have everything here! You don't need to move! You have me, you could have a nice degree with a career, and Hungary is safe."
"Hungary is a big crap, a disaster! You took me away from my home, from Serbia, and now there is nothing left to go back!"
"If we would have been staying there we would die from hunger, and you know that! And if you didn't want to become a midwife why did you start it at all?"
"Because I wanted you to be proud of me! Obviously, I made a mistake! I never will do that again, so unload the dishwasher yourself, I'm worthless anyway!"- I said to point out I heard what this man was saying about me.
"I never thought that one day my daughter turn out to be like this. I wanted a normal one."
"And I never thought one day my mother would choose her husband over her daughter. Now, get out of my room! I have work to do!"- I finished the conversation harshly without looking at my mother, and when she finally walked out I busted out in desperate crying.
Why do I deserve this? I'm not a bad person! I never did anything wrong in my whole life! I was always kind and caring, I always followed God's instructions, and I still have to get this. No one loves me! - I picked up a picture from my cabinet and looked at the woman on it. Beautiful black wavy hair, and brown eyes, she is standing so confidently. - I wish she would be my mother!' - I said as I kept looking at my favorite actress, Elanor. - She is so talented, so beautiful, so kind, caring, and good-hearted. The perfect role model, the perfect mother, a real angel. You would get me, you would be on my side. I wish you'd know who I am. All I want is you on my side, I want to learn from you and work with you, I want you to be my friend, my second mama. And one day I will stand next to you, and we will be okay. One day I will get my perfect mother.
As I was looking at her picture my phone suddenly lit up. I immediately looked at it, since the only notification I would get is about her on Instagram. As I opened the app my face turned white, I kept seeing posts from Elanor asking her fans to stop bullying her. I wrote to my only friend from the fandom asking her what was happening, and I got an immediate response. She started to date someone who had a bad reputation and the fandom started to attack her for her bad choice. Everyone was trashing her and I watched the whole commotion, making me feel worried about what was going to happen with her.
As I started to go deeper and deeper in my pain about my life, and about Elanor's bad reputation, my stepfather marched in my room without knocking as always.
"Immediately come out and do the dishwasher! Make yourself useful, you worthless brat!"- he demanded.
"No! You are not my father! You have no right to my life! Leave me alone! Don't speak to me, don't even dare to look at me! Get out of my life!" - I yelled feeling unstoppable anger.
"Fine! Then get out of my house!"
"Gladly!" - I yelled back, and then I run out to the street without saying anything to my mother, I just caught her eyes on me on my way out.
The sky was angry, at least as much as I was, it was lightning, the thunder was very loud, and the rain was raining very heavily, but I didn't care this time, everything was better than that house. I felt tired of my life. I didn't know how much I had to take, or why I had to take this, all I knew was that I needed space for these people. But where to go? To my best friend's house? We got really distanced from each other in the last couple of months. Since she started her new university and I have Elanor in my mind, she kept her distance, she didn't want me near. But I also know she would never say no, and she would help me out. My pride was stronger than my needs. So then I should go to my father's house? But the next day I had to work, and he was so far away, he was on the other side of the country. And I was so close to having all the money that I needed to go to America. I couldn't risk losing my job at this point. I guess I've been trapped here for the last couple of months. I should just take a walk then, to clear my head and keep myself away from this crowd for a little time. The rain was falling so heavily that I barely could see. Suddenly my mom walked out of the house.
" Are you out of your mind? Come back inside! You will get sick or struck by lightning! How are you going to work then and get more money?" - hearing her being more worried about my workplace than me, made me more angrier. I decided to go against her and be more rebellious.
"You are not the boss of me! I do what I want, leave me alone!" - I answered then I started to run. I didn't even see from the rain where I went, just away. And before I knew a big light was coming towards me, I looked in that direction, but it was too late, everything was so sudden, first the hit, then the pain, I heard my mother's voice, but I couldn't understand anymore what she said, then it was all darkness. A car hit me, and I just lay on the ground, unable to sense my environment or to help myself. No more.