The Wolf Queen Awakens

Chapter 20

High Hrothgar loomed up in front of them, looking much as it ever had. Elisif shivered in the cold, her Blades armour not really keeping her as warm as she'd have hoped. Erandur wasn't faring much better – he'd exchanged his robes for a set of Blades armour but it didn't entirely suit him and it was clear he wasn't used to wearing heavy gear. All the same it was keeping him safe from wild animal attacks.

There'd been another troll waiting for them, maybe the mate of the one Jordis and Ria had killed the first time Elisif had come this way. That time she'd been terrified. Now? Now she'd seen a lot worse than trolls. She'd Shouted it to the ground and carved it to pieces with Dawnbreaker, Erandur's fire magic in support. It had died in minutes with barely a mark left on Elisif.

"Are you all right?" Erandur asked, patting Elisif on the shoulder as she stared down at the dead troll.

"I'm fine," Elisif said, wondering why she could kill something and feel nothing, no pity, no remorse, not a thing. "I just... could never have done this a few weeks ago without going to pieces. Or getting killed. Now I just took it on without even flinching and barely care it's dead. What's happening to me, Erandur?"

Erandur didn't really seem to know what to say to that, other than to give her a reassuring hug.

"You're turning into a warrior," he told her. "Whether for good or ill, only you can decide that. But you are stronger than you were. Fearless. Given what you've got ahead of you, I think that's a good thing. You'll need to be both. Just don't forget why you're doing all this."

Torygg, the unbidden thought came to her, the memory of his smiling face flashing through her mind. But the details were hazy and she found there were gaps in her memory and that scared her. He was the love of her life, how could she forget what he looked like so easily? She had no such problem remembering Ulfric.

"To save the world," she whispered. "Make Skyrim a better place. Stop the war."

"All good things," Erandur said. "But what does your heart say, Elisif? What do you really want?"

"My husband back. But I can't have that, can I?" Elisif sighed, and the knowledge hurt as it always did... but the tears weren't coming as readily as they used to and that frightened her. "All I can do is avenge him and save everyone else. I don't think I'm getting a happy ending."

"Don't say that," Erandur said gently. "You might get one yet. Lady Mara won't have forgotten you. Even if we can't give you Torygg back, who is to say you won't find someone new? You are a beautiful young woman, you're bound to have suitors at some point, after all this is done."

The mere thought made Elisif want to be sick. Courtship gifts, most likely insincere protestations of love, having to let someone kiss her and hold her and have sex with her just to continue the line... no. She wasn't ready. She could handle men as friends, getting reassuring hugs off Erandur or chatting with Esbern or getting pounced on by Cicero, or even bantering with Brynjolf, who wasn't really interested despite the flirty comments he liked to dish out, and Elisif liked it that way.

For another lover, for having someone in her bed again, for dealing with suitors who probably just saw her as a ticket to wealth and power... absolutely not.

"Not yet," Elisif said fiercely. "Tell Mara it can wait. I've got dragons to kill."

"So you have," said Erandur, bowing his head a little in acknowledgement. "Come on, we're nearly there, you said?"

They were. Elisif led on, hoping the Greybeards could actually help her. They knew all the words of power, right? They'd know this Shout, surely? She hoped so, because if they didn't, she wasn't sure who else possibly could.